A little boy asked his father:
- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
And the father replied:
- I don't know son, I'm still paying!
- First guy (proudly): My wife's an angel!
- Second guy: You're lucky, mine's still alive.
Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital, and taken quickly in for heart surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Nun, who was waiting by his bed.
- Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine - said the nun, gently patting his hand.
- We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?
- No, I'm not - the man whispered hoarsely.
- Then can you pay in cash? - persisted the nun.
- I'm afraid I cannot, Sister.
- Well, do you have any close relatives? - the nun questioned sternly.
- Just my sister in New Mexico - he volunteered.
- But she's a humble spinster nun.
- Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God!
- Really? - said Mr. Smith.
- In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law!
You might be a redneck if...
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
Anniversaries and birthdays
Complicate my life.
I'm an absent-minded husband
Of a present-minded wife.
From Reader's Digest, June 1992:
I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune.
So, I've restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby.
After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.
If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddy's wallet.
- He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
- She: Well, you succeeded!
Top 10 reasons computers must be male:
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending Behavior)
OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)
ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.
404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device just right to get it to work again.
Not only is she a little young, but you're sure that you used to date her mother....
You find out her real name is Vinnie, and you used to play little league with her....
She has a thicker moustache than you....
When you go to pick her up, her lawyer meets you at the door with a contract describing your duties and restrictions....
You jokingly ask her if she wants to go down to Atlantic City and get married. She then informs you that leaving the state is a violation of her parole....
Her bra and panties are wired to an alarm system....
You are the first guy that she's gone out with that isn't her cousin....
At the end of the night she gives you a coupon that is good for a free shot of penicillin at the nearest clinic....
She beats up some guy for making fun of your hair cut....
You wake up the next morning with a wicked hang-over. In the bed next to you is Janet Reno....
At the end of the night, you drop her off at her house, and her pimp is waiting there with your bill....
She keeps staring at you all through dinner, then finally asks if you want to meet satan....
She constantly complains that her cat won't stop laughing at her....
She informs you that you can't go out again because her spirit guide doesn't like you....
She informs you that you can't go out again because her boyfriend doesn't like you.
