Most viewed jokes

How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
→ He throws his kisses.

Some quick thinking to get out of the "caught napping jam!"...

- They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

- Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout again!

- I wasn't sleeping! I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.

- This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!

- I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

- Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem!

- I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without using my hands.

- The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot!

Yo mama's so hairy...

• Yo mama's so hairy, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
• Yo mama's so hairy, Bigfoot took a picture of her.
• Yo mama's so hairy, her armpits look like she has Don King in a head lock.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she looks like a Chia pet with a sweater on.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she has afros on her nipples.
• Yo mama's so hairy, you almost died of rug burn at birth.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
• Yo mama's so hairy, she got a trim and lost 10 pounds.
• Yo mama's so hairy, when she spreads her legs, the first thing that comes to my mind is "We're going to Bush Gardens."

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted...:

- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife.

With their 30th wedding anniversary approaching, Ron asks his wife, Sylvia, what she wants to celebrate the occasion.

- Would you like to have a new mink coat? - Ron asks.

- No, not really - Sylvia responds.

- Well, how about a new Porche? - asks Ron.

- No, thanks - Sylvia replies.

- What about a new vacation home in the country? - Ron suggests.

- No - says Sylvia.

- Well, what would you like for your anniversary? - Ron asks.

- I'd like a divorce, Ron - answers Sylvia.

- Sorry, honey, I wasn't planning on spending that much - replies Ron.

Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep instead of just six?
→ Because deep down they really are good people.

How do you stop squirrels playing football in the garden?
→ Hide the ball, it drives them nuts!

- Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

- Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, sir.

Why are snakes hard to fool?
→ They have no legs to pull!

- The brain is a wonderful thing

- Why do you say that?

- Because it starts working the second you get up in the morning and never stops until you get asked a question in class!