Most viewed jokes

- Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

- Caddy: I didn't realize you had played before, sir.

- Golfer: I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.

- Caddy: Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.

What's a python's favourite pop group?
→ Squeeze!

- Teacher: Jackie, take 932 from 1,439. What is the difference?

- Stella: That's what I say, what's the difference?

- Teacher: How much is half of 8

- Pupil: Up and down or across?

- Teacher: What do you mean?

- Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0

- Our teacher talks to herself does yours?

- Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening!

- Is your mother home? - the salesman asked a small boy sitting on the steps in front of a house.

- Yeah, she's home, - the boy said, scooting over to let him past. The salesman rang the doorbell, got no response, knocked once, then again.

Still no one came to the door. Turning to the boy, the fellow said:

- I thought you said your mother was home.

The kid replied:

- She is; but this isn't where I live.

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

- You're running around with other women - she charged.

- You're being unreasonable - Adam responded.

- You're the only woman on earth.

The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve.

- What do you think you're doing? - Adam demanded.

- Counting your ribs - said Eve.

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health.

Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary:

- Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?

The missionary says:

- Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop.

Not paying much attetion, the man says:

- Sure, ok.

So he gets on the horse and says:

- Thank God and the horse starts walking.

Then he says:

- Thank God, thank God, and the horse starts trotting.

Feeling really brave, the man says:

- Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God and the horse just takes off.

Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.

- Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!

Finally he remembers:

- Amen!!

The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says:

- Thank God.

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.

One said:

- Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in with:

- Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded:

- Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood, - as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said:

- That must be the door, I'll get it!