Most viewed jokes

A termite walks into a bar and asks:

- is the bartender here?

C'mon...think about it! :)

Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....

I started out with nothing..

I still have most of it.

- When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran?

- I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

- Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

- All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

- If all is not lost, where is it?

- It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

- The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

- I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though.

- It was all so different before everything changed.

- Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

- I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few....

- Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

- It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

- The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.

- When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess.

- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

- It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other:

- Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies:

- Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied:

- You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other zebra:

- I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are.

The second zebra responds:

- You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.

Egotistical Harry was always reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.

- I was the James Bond type of player - he told his friends.

- I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition.

- Batted .007 - his wife added.

If an athlete gets athlete's foot, what does an astronaut get?
→ Missile toe.

Laugh and the class laughs with you.
But you get detention alone!

- Teacher: I'd like to go through one whole day without having to tell you off.

- Pupil: You have my permission!

- Our teacher talks to herself does yours?

- Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening!

What's the definition of a quarter tone?
→ A bagpiper tuning his drones.

- Tuba Player: Did you hear my last recital?

- Friend: I hope so.