Most viewed jokes

There were two blonds on their way to Disney World.

When they were getting close there was a sign that read:

- DISNEY WORLD LEFT.

So they turned around and went home.

One day, little Mikey came home from kindergarten and couldn't find his mother. So he headed upstairs and opened her bedroom door.

To his surprise, he saw his dad stripped naked on top of his mom, who was also naked, both heavily into the sexual act. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continued to do what they were doing.

After a couple of minutes, Mikey asked:

- Daddy, can I climb on top and have a horsey ride?

The dad thinks for a second:

- Of course son, we're a family.

After a couple more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

- Hang on Dad! - cries Mikey.

- This is where me and the mailman usually fall off!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!

A blonde and a brunette were watching the 11:00 pm news. The current news story was about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump, when the station cuts to a commercial.

- Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.

- Blonde: OK.

(Back to newscast: He jumped!)

- Blonde: OK. I lost. Here's my $20 to you.

- Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.

- Blonde: I insist. I lost.

- Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on the 6:00pm news and I knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.

- Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast at 6 too. But I didn't think he would be stupid enough to jump TWICE!

A woman realizes her son has not yet gotten out of bed for school.

She goes into his bedroom and tells him to get up or he will miss breakfast.

- No - the son replies.

- I don't wanna go to school!

- You HAVE to go to school - the mother scolds.

- No! The kids are mean to me, the teachers don't like me, and the lunches are icky.

- You WILL go to school, young man - the mother warns.

- Why? Why do I have to go to school today? - the son asks.

The mother is about to lose her patience.

- Because you're the principal, now get out of bed!

Stallone, Tony Danza, and Arnold Swarzanagger are all going to be in a musical about famous composers.

Stallone wants to be Mozart, Danza says he'll be Bethoven, and Swarzanagger says:

- I'll be Bach!

What do you call a dead athiest?
→ All dressed up and no place to go!

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

- My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?

- You have far too much free time!

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.

- Nobody - comes the reply.

- Good - says the man - I must have escaped!