Most viewed jokes

Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly:

- I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?

- Of course - the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years.

The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively:

- Don't touch me! I'm on a disability pension. - he cried.

How do Jewish people celebrate Christmas?
→ They all gather around their cash registers and sing "What a Friend We Have In Jesus..."

An Irishman, a black guy, and a white guy were driving through the desert when they suddenly ran out of gas. They all decided to start walking to the nearest town (which they had passed 50 miles back) to get some help.

A rancher was sitting on his front porch that evening when he saw the white guy top the horizon and walk toward him. The rancher noticed that the white guy was carrying a glass of water, so when he was within hearing distance, the rancher said:

- Hi there...what are you doing carring a glass of water through the desert?

The white guy explained his predicament and explained that since he had a long way to go, he might get thirsty, so that's why he was carrying the water.

A little while later the rancher noticed the black guy walking toward him with a loaf of bread in his hand.

- What are you doing? - asked the rancher again.

As before, the black guy explained the situation and said that since he had a long way to go, he might get hungry and that's why he had the bread.

Finally the Irishman appeared, dragging a car door through the sand.
More curious than ever, the rancher asked:

- Hey, why are you dragging that car door?

- Well - he said - I have a long way to go, so if it gets too hot, I'll roll down the window.

How do you know that peanuts are fattening?
→ Have you ever seen a skinny elephant?

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
→ Because the chicken had his Easter eggs!

- I tried to send an e-mail and broke my computer.

- How do you manage that?

- I think it was when I tried to push it through the letterbox.

- Doctor, Doctor I feel like a needle.

- I see your point!

- Tell me straight Doc, Is it bad?

- Well, I wouldn't start watching any new soap operas!

A young woman goes to her doctor complaining that the insides of her upper thighs have turned green.
The doctor examined her and asked her if by any chance she went out with a Romany.
When she said yes the doctor said:

- Well tell him his ear rings aren't real gold!!!

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said:

- I forgot my teeth.

The man said:

- No problem.

With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.

- Try these - he said.

The speaker tried them.

- Too loose - he said.

The man then said:

- I have another pair...try these.

The speaker tried them and responded:

- Too tight.

The man was not taken back at all. He then said:

- I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.

The speaker said:

- They fit perfectly.

With that he ate his meal and gave his address.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.

The man replied:

- I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.

Why did the Scottish cannibal live on a sugar plantation?
→ He said:

- So that I can feed my lads with m'lasses.