Most viewed jokes

Dr. Dave's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

- If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

- Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on

- Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine

- Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats

- MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads

- The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light

- New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt

- The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off

- Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna

- GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)

- Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car

- You'd press the start button to shut off the engine

Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say:

- And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say:

- Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over:

- I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!

9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.

Who needs a man!...

My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.

Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can't read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:

- Caller: Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?

- Tech: Yes how can I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?

- Tech: Excuse, you've stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?

- Caller: It came with the computer, I don't know of any promotion.

- Tech: Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?

- Caller: Yes, it says 4X!

What's the major cause of divorce?
→ Once is not enough.

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Don't let worry kill you- let the church help.
2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery upstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the hell she is!

The only reason I would take up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up?

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I don't jog...it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said:

- You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one:

- How did you do over the weekend?

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

- 17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?

- I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this......

O...o...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.

That's admirable - said the judge.

And you, how did you do? - he asked the second boy.

- Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.

- 156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?

- Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)...o...

O I said (pointing to the small circle):

- this is your asshole before prison, ...