Most viewed jokes

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional.
After not hearing anything for a while the Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no paper in here either.

How do you make a rabbit stew?
→ Keep it waiting.

The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news.

- Ma, - he shouted - the results are in. I won the election!

- Honestly?

The politician's smiled faded.

- Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said:

- Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

To which the gentleman said:

- Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!

An eight-year-old kid says to his dad:

- When I grow up, I want to be a musician.

The dad says:

- I am sorry -- can't have it both ways.

Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
→ So the violists don't need to be retrained.

What sort of animals make the best TV presenters?
→ Gnus - readers!

- Fred: I met a really conceited actor the other day.

- Harry: Why do you say he's conceited?

- Fred: Well, every time there was a thunderclap during the storm, he went to the window and took a bow.

After a difficult day a struggling actor returns to his neighborhood and is shocked to find a cadre of police and fire trucks surrounding the smoldering remains of his house.

Explaining who he was he asks:

- What happened?

- Well - one of the officer's says:

- It seems that your agent came by your house earlier today and while he was here he attacked your wife, assaulted your children, beat your dog and burned your house to the ground.

The actor is struck speechless, his jaw hanging open in disbelief...

- My agent came to my house?

How many DP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Just one, if he's got a good crew to do it.