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After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine.

She starts crying and then asks:

- How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out? The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health? Me!

- And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

- And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you and comforted you? Me!

- And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

- How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me.

Jimmy replies:

- That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fucking bad luck!

starkle starkle little twink
who the hell you are I think
I'm not under what you call
the alcofluence of incohol
I'm just a little slort of sheep
I'm not drunk like tinkle peep
I don't know who is me yet
but the drunker I stand here
the longer I get

Just give me one more drink
to fill me cup
'cuz I got all day sober
to Sunday up

YO mamma is so fat...she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!

Yo mamma is such a bad cook that even the cockroaches throw up!

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

- She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

- She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

- She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

- She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

- She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

- She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

- She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

- She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

- She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

- She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

- She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

- She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

- She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

- She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.

- She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

- She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

- She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant:

- What are you charged with?

- Doing my Christmas shopping early sir - replied the defendant.

- Well that's not an crime - said the judge!

- How early were you doing this shopping?

- Before the store opened - answered the prisoner.

A plane full of retirees headed for Florida was gripped with fear when the pilot announced:

- Two of our engines are on fire; we are flying through a heavy fog, and it has eliminated virtually all our visibility.

The passengers were numb with fear, except for one... a semi-retired minister...

- Now, now, keep calm, folks - he said.

- Let's all bow our heads and pray.

Immediately, the group bowed their heads to pray... except fellow near the back.

- Why aren't you bowing your head to pray? - the minister asked.

- Well, I don't know how to pray, - replied the passenger.

- Well, just do something religious! - piped up another well meaning passenger.

So the man got up and started down the aisle passing his hat...

A redneck was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

- Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury - concluded the lawyer.

- you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury box and honestly believe that if my client had ANY whiskey he would sell it?

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

- God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again:

- God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray:

- God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said:

- Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Adolf!

- Adolf who?

- Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aesop!

- Aesop who?

- Aesop I saw a puddy cat!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Abe!

- Abe who?

- Abe C D E F G H...!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Abyssinia!

- Abyssinia who?

- Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Alberta!

- Alberta who!

- Alberta'll be over in a minute!