Most viewed jokes

Three friends died and went to heaven. The first friend, Sarah, was the first one to go into the pearly gates and meet "God".

- Hello Sarah, it is so nice to see you here - God said to her.

- Please make yourself at home and do whatever you want. Slide down the rainbows, sleep on the clouds, just have fun. BUT DON'T Step on the ducks - God said.

- We love and cherish ducks here.

So, Sarah goes on her merry way and enjoys herself. Until OPPS! She steps on a duck. Suddenly the ugliest, most hideous man pops up and Sarah realized she must spend the rest of her life with him.

Next, Olivia goes into the pearly gates and God tells her the same thing:

- Do whatever you want, just DON'T step on the ducks.

So, Olivia goes on her way and OPPS! She steps on a duck. And she, too has to spend the rest of her life with a ugly, hideous man.

The last friend, Jenn, goes to meet and God and he tells her the same thing:

- DON'T STEP on the ducks.

Finally, a few weeks lateer, Olivia and Sarah are with their ugly men and they run into Jenn. And Jenn is with the most gorgeous guy that anyone had seen.

- How did you get so lucky and have such a hot guy? - Sarah asked her.

And the gorgeous guy looks up and says:

- I stepped on a Duck!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says:

- Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies:

- The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boys thinks about this, and then says:

- Well then, why is the boy wearing black...

Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?

They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children:

- Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling:

- Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!!

She says:

- Oh wonderful, should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?

He replies:

- I don't care...

Just get the heck out!!

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were "protecting." Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $40,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The Mafia hood says to the interpreter:

- Ask him where da money is.

The interpreter signs:

- Where's the money?

The deaf man replies:

- I don't know what you're talking about.

The interpreter tells the hood:

- He says he doesn't know what you're talking about.

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector.

- Now ask him where the money is!

The interpreter signs:

- Where is the money?

The deaf man replies:

- The $40,000 is in a tree stump in Central Park.

The interpreter says to the hood:

- He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger.

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him:

- I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

- Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

- Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- Patient: Oh no! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this??

- Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him:

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

The bloke behind tells him:

- Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art.

- Are you crazy? - says the bloke in front:

- I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

There's a blind rabbit and a blind snake that are friends. One day, the blind rabbit tells the blind snake that he doesn't know what he is, because he can't see.

The blind snake takes ahold of the rabbit and says:

- Well, you have long fur covered ears and a short little tail. You must be a rabbit.

The rabbit was happy to know what he was. He tells the blind snake:

- Come here and I will try to determine what you are.

The blind rabbit feels the snake and finally says:

- You're cold and slimy and don't have any balls. You must be a lawyer.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Audrey!

- Audrey who?

- Audrey be doing this!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Augusta!

- Augusta who?

- Augusta go home now!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Aunt Lou!

- Aunt Lou who?

- Aunt Lou do you think you are!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Ashley!

- Ashley who?

- Ashley-t's foot!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Asia!

- Asia who?

- Asia you going to let me in then!