Most viewed jokes

What does a blonde make best for dinner?
→ Reservations.

What is eternity?
→ When 4 blondes meet at a 4-way-stop-sign-intersection!

Which bird is always out of breath?
→ A puffin!

What did one saggy boob say to the other?
→ "We'd better get some support or people are gonna think we're nuts!!"

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine:

- I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!

The other guy looks at him and declares:

- I did not!

An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her third finger, left hand, and announced:

- It's a boy, six feet tall and 190 pounds!

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...

- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.

- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?

- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:

- Thanks.

Marriage

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another:

- Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? - The other replied - Yes I am, I married the wrong man.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.

A little boy asked his father:

- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? - And the father replied - I don't know, son, I'm still paying.

- Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

- Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said:

- I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.

Married life is frustrating. The first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband:

- You know, I was a fool when I married you. - The husband replied - Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice.

It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:

- You can have mine.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

A woman was telling her friend:

- It is I who made my husband a millionaire.

- And what was he before you married him. - Asked the friend. The woman replied - A billionaire.

God says to Adam:

- What would you like in a wife? - Hmmm - says Adam - I'd like her to be the most beautiful creature in the world. I'd like her to do whatever I tell her to. I'd like he to work hard, be smart, enjoy being with me.

- Hmmmm - God says - I can do it, but it'll cost you an arm and a leg.

- Oh - says Adam - Well what can I get for a rib?

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy:

- Did you see what your monkey just did?

The guy says:

- No, what?

- He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! - says the bartender.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

- Did you see what your monkey did now? - he asks.

- Now what? - responds the patron.

- Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! - says the barkeeper.

- Yeah, that doesn't surprise me - replied the patron.

- He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."