The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.
- Was it my friend Steve? - he yelled.
- No - she said.
- Was it my friend James? - he then asked.
- What? - she shouted.
- Don't you think I have any friends of my own?
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
→ Bonds mature.
How to identify where a driver is from...
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
- One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
- Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
- One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
- Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
→ An interpreter.
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one of them $5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man:
- I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much.
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and stereo and gives them to the man. She says:
- I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 and reinvests the rest. She says:
- I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much.
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
What is the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
→ 45 lbs.
What is the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
→ 45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
→ Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
→ $ 3.99 a minute.
A fireman looked out of the fire house window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had his little red wagon, and he had hung small ladders on the side of it, and coiled the garden hose up in it, and he was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon.
The fireman thought this was really cute so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had.
As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said:
- Son, I don't want to try to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster.
- Maybe so - said the little boy - But then I'd lose my siren!
While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors.
A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.
He replied that he slept like a baby.
He was amazed and asked:
- Really? Even with all the fluctuations?
He said:
- Yes, that's right. Just like a baby...
- I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours!
And God Created Woman. And She was Good. She had 2 arms, 2 legs and 3 breasts.
And God asked the woman what she would like to have changed about herself. She asked for her middle breast to be removed. And it was good.
She stood with her third breast in her hand and asked God what should be done with the useless boob? And God created Man!
