- Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
- Soldier: Sure, buddy.
- Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
- Soldier: No, SIR!
Men are like plastic wrap.
Cheap. Clingy. And very easy to see through.
Why do men like smart women?
→ Opposites attract.
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor:
- Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.
- Well - the doctor replied - go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness.
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says:
- Honey, what's for dinner?
He hears no response.
He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again:
- Honey, what's for dinner?
She replies:
- For the fourth time, vegetable stew!
Why don't lawyers enjoy playing golf?
→ Because it's too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend:
- What's happened to your car?
- Well - the friend responses.
- I ran into a lawyer.
- OK - says the man.
- that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?
- Well, I had to chase him all through the park.
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Cymbals
- Cymbals who?
- Cymbals have horns and others don't!
- Knock Knock
- Who's there?
- Buster
- Buster who?
- Buster tire, can I use your phone!
