When Ben hit his thumb with a hammer he let out a few choice words. Shocked by her son's outburst, his mother said:
- Don't you dare use that kind of language in here.
- William Shakespeare did - replied Ben.
- Well, you'd better stop going around with him - said Mom.
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
→ Write 'pp, espressivo'.
Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
→ Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.
The chief of police comes over to him and tells him:
- While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down.
The violist replied:
- You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?
An enormous monster with eight arms and eleven legs walked into a tailors shop.
- Quick! - shouted the tailor to his assistant. Hide the "Free Alterations" sign!
Why did the monster lie on his back?
→ To trip up low-flying aircraft.
- Dr Frankenstein: Igor, have you seen my latest invention? It's a new pill consisting of 50 per cent glue and 50 per cent aspirin.
- Igor: But what's it for?
- Dr Frankenstein: For monsters with splitting headaches.
Sargeant Williams was the newest drill instructor at AOCS, Aviation Officer Candidate School and as such was always trying to impress his company commander and the other officers in the Command. Daily he was seen jumping all over his officer candidates and yelling at them as he supposedly developed them into future Naval Officers. We were lined up behind his company awaiting our turn to go into the mess hall for lunch.
We all listened as Sargeant Williams yelled at his company:
- you will eat in a military fashion, enjoy this delicious meal and fall by in formation at 1215, do you worms understand me?
- Yes drill sargeant.
- There are only three rules in this galley, shut up, eat up and get up, do you pukes understand me?
- Yes drill sargeant.
- Then proceed. Company forward march.
When they got inside, they were surprised to see several Miss Florida contestants getting a tour of the mess hall. Not one to let an opportunity slip by the drill sargeant yelled at the top of his lungs:
- bravo company what is the first rule of the mess hall?
To his chagrin, his company all yelled out in unison:
- shut up drill sargeant!
The Captain called the Sergeant in.
- Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.
- Better go tell him and send him in to see me.
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
- Listen up, men - says the Sergeant.
- Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way,
- Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office.
- Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?
- Yes, sir - answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with:
- Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation.
- Ok, men, fall in and listen up.
- Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.
- Not so fast, McGrath!
How many Histrionic P.D. does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "You want me to change the lightbulb? I could burn my hand! I could be electrocuted! I could fall off the ladder and be paralyzed for life! You don't love me anymore!"
