Most viewed jokes

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked:

- How is much is this TV?

The salesman said:

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

The next day she came back as a brunette.
She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said:

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said:

- Sorry we don't sell to blondes.

She replied:

- I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?

- Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave.

Why did the parrot wear a raincoat?
→ Because she wanted to be a Polly unsaturated!

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:

- I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them.

His wife looked at him calmly and said:

- Why do you think I gave you the poison?

The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife.

- I don't like the looks of your husband - he said.

- Neither do I - said the wife.

- but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids.

Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.

Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary

10. Today is our what?
11. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
12. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.
13. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
14. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
15. I thought we only celebrated important events?
16. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?
17. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.
18. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
19. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

- Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

- Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex.

(The daughter looks puzzled.)

- Mom: That means the daddy puts his penis in mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

- Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into your and daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

- Mom: Jewelry, dear.

The story takes off where Cinderella just got yelled at by her step-mother, then her fairy godmother comes to her aid.

The fairy godmother says:

- I can make you a new dress and give you everything you need to go to the ball... on two conditions!

- Anything - says Cinderella - anything!

- Okay the first condition is you have to wear a diaphram. The second condition is you have to be back by 2:00 AM or else your diaphram will turn into a pumpkin - says the fairy godmother.

So Cinderella goes to the ball and the fairy godmother just waits and waits and then it gets to be 2:00AM, 3:00, 4:00, 5:00 and Cinderella's still not back. Then Cinderella finally shows up and the fairy godmother is astonished as to Cinderella's appearence... no pumpkin!

The godmother asks Cinderella who she was with for she had no idea of a man with such power.

Then Cinderella replies:

- Peter, Peter something or other?

How do you babysit black kids?
→ Wet their lips and stick them to the wall!

RULES MEN WISH WOMEN KNEW:

- If you think you're ugly, you probably are. Don't ask us.

- Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.

- Don't cut your hair. For any reason. Ever.

- If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

- Sometimes we're NOT thinking about you. Live with it.

- Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as wax worms vs. grubs, the shotgun formation and carburetors.

- ANYTHING you wear is fine. Really.

- You have enough clothes.

- You have too many shoes.

- Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.

- Ask us for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

- No, we DON'T know what day it is. We never will.

- Mark anniversaries and birthdays on a calendar.

- Yes, whizzing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

- "Yes" and "No" ARE perfectly acceptable answers.

- A headache that lasts for 17 days is a problem. See a doctor.

- Check your oil.

- Don't give us rules.

- Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

- Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 2 days.

- Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

- You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done, not both.

- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

- Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.

- Women wearing low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

- Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be!