Most viewed jokes

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said:

- It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations.

- Donations! - I said.

- How much you got so far?

He said:

- about ten gallons.

Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other:

- What about the powerful interest that controls you?

And the other guy screamed back:

- You leave my wife out of this!

At dinner, Seth said to his father:

- Dad, I got into trouble at school today and it's all your fault.

- How's that? - asked the master of the house.

- Remember I asked you how much $500,000 was?

- Yeah, I remember.

- Well, 'a helluva lot' ain't the right answer.

My grandma has so many wrinkles she has to screw her hat on.

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight, so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said:

- Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?

- Yes, I know - said the lady - I need both hands to hold onto this hat.

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says:

- Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps.

The second old man says:

- You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps.

Finally the third old man speaks up:

- Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up.

Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus?
→ He wanted to sing higher!

What will you never say about a banjo player?
→ That's the banjo player's porsche.

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
→ A Rolling Stone says:

- hey you, get off of my cloud! - while a Scotsman says:

- Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!