Most viewed jokes

- Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

- Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

- No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

- Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).

- If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

- Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Least popular Halloween handouts:

- Spinach flavored Rice Cakes.

- Teeth removing Taffy

- Metamucil in a straw

- Ex-Lax Brownies

- Caramel Covered Zucchini

- Colored Crisco on a Stick

- Hot steaming bowl of pumpkin guts

- Chocolate Covered Prunes

- A Handful of Red Man

- Anything that ticks!

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out:

- Business trip or vacation?

She turned, smiled and said:

- Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomania Convention in Chicago.

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked:

- What's your business role at this convention?

- Lecturer - she responded.

- I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.

- Really - he said:

- what myths are those?

- Well - she explained:

- one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern redneck.

Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.

- I'm sorry - she said:

- I shouldn't really be discussing this with you. I don't even know your name.

- Tonto - the man said:

- Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba..

- At communion you go back for seconds.

- You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

- You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

- Long distance companies don't call you to switch.

- You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.

- McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.

- American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

- Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

- You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer:

- What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?

- I give it to them, - replied the lawyer, - and then I send them a bill.

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Which vampire tried to eat James Bond?
→ Ghouldfinger.

When is the best time to go shopping?
→ When the stores are open.

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is.

- Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress - complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked:

- what's wrong?

- It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired

What are Brazilian fans called?
→ Brazil nuts!

How do spacemen pass the time on long trips?
→ They play astronauts and crosses!