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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge:

- Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?

The angel replied:

- No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had.

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
→ Bring on their subs!

A true story, according to the LA Times.....

Coach Frank Layden of the Utah Jazz asked forward Jeff Wilkins:

- Is your bad play due to ignorance or apathy?

Wilkins replied:

- I don't know and I don't care!

What song to snakes like to sing?
→ Viva Aspana!

- Teacher: I'll call you Fred Smith then.

- Pupil: My dad won't like that.

- Teacher: Why is that?

- Pupil: He doesn't like people taking the Mickey out of my name!

The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the congregation said:

- I give ten dollars.

Just then, a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly.

- I give a thousand dollars!

The minister said:

- Lord, hit him again!

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced:

- Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher:

- All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service.

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying:

- Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?

Father Patrick told the farmer:

- No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick replied:

- Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic.

What do you call an easy-going rabbit?
→ Hoppy-go-lucky.

Why won't the witch let the traveling pig actors into her gingerbread cottage?
→ She's afraid they'll bring down the house.