Most viewed jokes

Through infinite myst, software reverberates
In code possess'd of invisible folly.

Wilt thou dare interface
With thy Apple Macintosh keypad
By toggling my tweaky bosom?

Alack!

Leave laserjet laughter to the laptop lover.

Behold beta beauty in a keyboard's keen kindness.

Now yet torment thy melancholy hardware
By always vexing the amorous flame
Of thine model motherboard.

This tyrant widget conceals scuzzy games
And pleasure treasured dear:
Then kiss me.

Celestial evil's idolatrous template within AOL
Will deceive some cybersex users
And email "cancel our service."

Tis a rare tongue
That many maiden bugs command,
Revealing bounteous distress,
Trashing bold memory:
Click and crash gloriously.

Weep not, beauteous Microsoft!

Hereafter reboot.

There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane.

All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash!

There was only one parachute and a flashlight.

The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond:

- Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute.

The blond looked at her sceptically and said:

- Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down you're gonna turn it off!

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him.

After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences... I guess I am - replied the cowboy.

After a short while he asked her what she was.

- I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women - told the young woman.

A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.

A couple sat down next to him and asked:

- Are you a real cowboy?

- Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!

An elderly lady goes into the doctor and tells him:

- Doctor, I don't know what the problem is, but I've been farting all the time. It's not really a problem socially because they don't make any noise and don't smell. I just can't stop farting all the time. In fact while I've been in here I must have farted at least 20 times.

The doctor nods and gives her some pills.

- Here take these for two weeks and come see me again when you are done.

So she takes the pills and returns two weeks later as instructed. Infuriated, she confronted the doctor:

- What kind of medicine is this? I'm still farting just as much? They still don't make any noise, but now they stink terribly!

The doctor nodded:

- It's alright, now that we have your sinus' cleared up, we'll work on your hearing next!

A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with the following question:

- Mom, why are wedding dresses white?

The mother looks at her son and replies:

- Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure.

The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this with his father:

- Dad why are wedding dresses white?

The father looks at his son in surprise and says...:

- Son, all household appliances come in white!

Kenny Rogers and his entourage are aboard their tour bus on their way to a concert in Denver, when they get a flat tire.

The mechanic jumps off the bus to fix the flat, but because they're already behind schedule and in a hurry, he neglects to double check that the lug nuts are properly tightened.

Shortly thereafter, as the bus goes around a curve on a twisty mountain highway, the entire wheel comes off. The bus veers off the road, and plunges down the side of the mountain.

Everybody on board is killed, except for a young "roadie" who happened to be lying in his bunk, and was somewhat shielded from the crash by his mattress.

The kid is lying in his hospital bed being interviewed by the press, and one reporter asks him if Kenny Rogers had said any last words?

- Yes - said the young man.

- He did. As the bus went over the edge I could hear Mr. Rogers singing......

- You picked a fine time to leave me, loose wheel...

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.

- What's that - says the Texan.

- Oh! That's Queens Park - says the Cabby.

- Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

- Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large - says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

- Holy cow - says the Texan.

- What's that?

- Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country - says the Cabby.

- it took almost 4 years to build.

- Really - says the Texan.

- Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time.

They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300'.

- Holy Crap! - says the Texan.

- What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!

The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says:

- Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday!

A guy goes into a bar and says:

- Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies:

- Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?

- I haven't got any money!

- The English language is not to be spoken.

- You may be arrested for vagrancy if you do not have at least one dollar bill on your person.

- You must contact the police before entering the city in an automobile.

- You may be convicted of a Class 4 felony offense, punishable by up to three years in state prison, for the crime of "eavesdropping" on your own conversation. -720 ILCS 5/14-2.

- It is illegal to give a dog whiskey.

- In the Pullman area, it is illegal to drink beer out of a bucket while sitting on the curb.

- Law forbids eating in a place that is on fire.

- Kites may not be flown within the city limits.

- It is forbidden to fish while sitting on a giraffe's neck.

- Spitting is forbidden.

- It is legal to protest naked in front of city hall as long as you are under seventeen years of age and have legal permits.

- One may not pee in his neighbor's mouth.

- Humming on public streets is prohibited on Sundays.

- Cars may not be driven through the town.

- Wheelbarrows with For-Sale signs may not be chained to trees.

- A man with a moustache may not kiss a woman.

- It is illegal to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

- Bowling is forbidden.

- It is unlawful to change clothes in an automobile with the curtains drawn, except in case of fire.

- It is unlawful for "negroes" to be within county boundries from sundown to sunrise.

- It is illegal to expectorate from any second-story window.

- There is a $1,000 dollar fine for beating rats with baseball bats.

- It is against the law to use a slingshot unless your are a law enforcement officer.

- Town fathers, reflecting the pet peeve of hearing their town's name mispronounced 'Jolly-ETTE' when all local folk know it's pronounced 'Joe-lee-ETTE', made pronouncing it Jolly-ette a misdemeanor, punishable by a $5 fine.

- A rooster must step back three hundred feet from any residence if he wishes to crow.

- Hens that wish to cackle must step two hundred feet back from any residence.

- Bees are not allowed to fly over the village or through any of Kriland's streets.

- Ice skating at the Riverside pond during the months of June and August is prohibited.

- There is a ban on unnecessary repetitive driving on 23rd Avenue.

- You may not own a handgun.

- It is against the law to make faces at dogs.

- No pool tables are allowed in a public establishment, because it supports gambling.

- Spitting on the sidewalk is a criminal offense.

- Trucks may only park inside closed garages.

- Basketball hoops may not be instaled on a driveway.

- It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.