Most viewed jokes

Actual writings on hospital charts by Doctors:

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills , but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:

- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?

The officer replied:

- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.

She thanked the officer and he drives off.

Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.

The officer got out of his car and said:

- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?

The blonde replied:

- Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now...

- The 45th bus just went by!

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said:

- We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk asked:

- You mean two-by-fours, don't you?

The man said:

- I'll go check, and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said:

- Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

- All right. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a moment and said:

- I'd better go check.

After a while, he returned to the office and said:

- A long time. We're gonna build a house...

- No person shall sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange, display or possess living baby chicks, ducklings, or other fowl or rabbits which have been dyed or colored - nor dye or color any baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits - nor sell, exchange, offer to sell or exchange or to give away baby chicks, ducklings or other fowl or rabbits, under two months of age in any quantity less than six, except that any rabbit weighing three pounds or more may be sold at an age of six weeks. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than $100 nor more than $500. -KRS 436.600 (Passed 1966 Ky. Acts ch. 215, sec. 5.)

- It's illegal to fish in the Ohio River in Kentucky without an Indiana Fishing License.

- Any person who displays, handles or uses any kind of reptile in connection with any religious service or gathering shall be fined not less than fifty dollars ($50) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100). -KRS 437.060 (Passed 1942, from Ky. Stat. sec. 1267a-1.)

- All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease. -KRS 252.130 (Passed in 1922 - Repealed in 1948)

- No person owning or controlling a billiard or pool table shall permit, for compensation or reward, any minor under eighteen (18) years of age to play any game on the table, unless such minor shall have first displayed an identification card containing his name, age, photograph, and the signature of his parents or guardian. The minor shall keep such identification card on his person, and it shall be subject to inspection at any time by any peace officer. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall keep and maintain a registration book in which each minor shall sign. The person owning or controlling such billiard or pool table shall supply a blank identification card to each parent or guardian who makes request for same. Any person who violates this section shall be fined not less than ten ($10) nor more than one hundred dollars ($100) for each offense. -KRS 436.320 (Passed 1893 - Amended in 1954, Ky. Acts ch. 232, sec. 1)

- It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.

- Any person who appears on any highway, or upon the street of any city that has no police protection, when clothed only in ordinary bathing garb, shall be fined no less than five dollars nor more than twenty-five dollars." - KRS 436.140 (Passed in 1922 - Repealed in 1974)

- By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."

- It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

- A woman may not buy a hat without her husband's permission.

- Even your best friend cheats on you and lies to you, and that's the best friend you can get.

- I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

- Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.

- People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

- Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

- The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.

- I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

- When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.

- I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

- I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

- I'm very careful of how I express my opinions of you because I want to put as much vituperation in them as possible.

- I don't hold your behavior against you because I realize it was caused by childhood trauma your parents spanked you when you fell on your head and broke the cement.

What time is it when a clock strikes thirteen?
→ Time to get it fixed.

- Can I have some two-handed cheese, please? - a man in a restaurant asked the waiter.

- What do you mean, 'two-handed cheese'? - asked the waiter.

- You know, the kind you eat with one hand and hold your nose with the other.

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation:

- All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand.

The whole room stands up except, of course, the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says even more loudly:

- And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says:

- I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing for it!

Two Rabbits are running from a group of foxes.

They hide in a pile of hay, one rabbit says to the other one:

- ok we can run for it or we can stay here and out number them.

And the other rabbit says:

- were going to run for it you idiot I'm your brother.

Why didn't the pigs eat the rotten eggs in their feed trough?
→ They were saving the best for last.