Most viewed jokes

Iraqi TV Guide

MONDAY
8:00 Husseinfeld
8:30 Mad About Everything
9:00 Suddenly Sanctions
9:30 Allah McBeal

TUESDAY
8:00 Wheel of Fortune and Terror
8:30 The Price is Right if Saddam Says its Right
9:00 Children are Forbidden to Say The Darndest Things
9:30 Iraq's Funniest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY
8:00 Buffy the Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
8:30 Diagnosis: Heresy
9:00 Just Shoot Me
9:30 Veilwatch

THURSDAY
8:00 Mahatma Loves Chachi
8:30 M*U*S*T*A*S*H
9:00 Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses
9:30 My Two Baghdads

FRIDAY
8:00 Judge Saddam
8:30 Captured Iranian Soldiers Say The Darndest Things
9:00 Achmed's Creek
9:30 No-witness News

What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote?
→ One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best friend in bed. The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says, "My God Pete !!! I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"

A young Indian boy came back to the reservation for a family visit after his first year at college. When his dad asked him about his first year at school, he said: "I'm having trouble with people making fun of me, especially my Indian name. How did you come to give your children such odd names?" His father said: "When your brother was born, I looked out the teepee and I saw an eagle flying so I named him Little Eagle and when your sister was born, I looked out the teepee and saw a deer grazing, so I named her spotted fawn. Why do you ask, Two Dogs F*cking?"

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said:

- OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said:

- I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?

The genie laughed and said:

- That's impossible!!!

Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete -- how much steel!! No, think of another wish.

The man said:

- OK, I'll try to think of a really good wish.

Finally, he said:

- I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing,", know how to make them truly happy.

The genie said:

- Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?

This reminds me of something yesterday at work. A colleague was relating a conversation he had with his young daughter, just a bit over 2 years old. They were discussing geography and...

- Where does mommy live?

- Minneapolis.

- Where does grandma live?

- Baltimore.

- Where does grandpa live?

- Baltimore.

- And where does daddy live?

- At work!

Needless to say, he took the morning off that next day...

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked:

- Say, why did the foreman fire you?

Replied the second:

- Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.

Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said:

- That's once.

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer said:

- That's twice.

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again.

The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse.

His brand new bride yelled, telling him:

- That was an awful thing to do.

The farmer said:

- That's once.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked:

- If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?

- That's correct - responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked:

- Then why doesn't it taste sweet?

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic....

Totally straight-faced he answered her question:

- It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.