Most viewed jokes

What did the mama pig say to her bad little piglet?
→ Behave or Frankenswine will get you.

During a flood in a small Ohio town, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.

As they sat watching articles float along with the water, they noticed a baseball cap float by. Suddenly, the cap turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream. After it had gone some distance, it turned again and came back.

- Do you see that baseball cap? - said the girl.

- First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back.

- Oh, that's my dad, - replied the boy.

- This morning he said that come hell or high water, he was going to cut the grass today.

How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
→ I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

One day, an out-of-work man knocks on the door of a home in an upper-class neighborhood. The lady of the house answers:

- Pardon me Mam, Im out of work and looking for any odd jobs that people need done. I'm very handy with everything from repairs to yard work, to painting...

- Painting? - the woman jumped in.

- Oh, yes, Ma'am! Im a very careful painter - the man replied, his face brightening at the realization she could provide him some work.

- I'll tell you what. My husband just bought some green paint last week to paint the porch out back with, but we haven't had any time. If you can do a good job, then you can paint it before he gets home and surprise him.

- Now, do a particularly good job and paint the trimmings white also, and I'll pay you an extra bonus.

- Oh yes, Ma'am, I'll do an excellent job!

He was told the paints were also around back in the garage.

A few hours later, the man returns to the door.

- That was quick, did you do a good job? - the woman inquires.

- Oh yes Ma'am, two coats! But there's something you should know - the man says.

- That's not a Porsche, thats a Mercedes!

- My neighbors were screaming and yelling at three o'clock this morning!

- Did they wake you?

- Nah.... I was up playing my bagpipes.

What did the monster say to his psychiatrist?
→ 'I feel abominable.'

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell.

- Marry him anyway, dear. - the Mother said.

- Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is.

At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.

The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:

- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.

Why did the young witch have such difficulty writing letters?
→ She had never learned to spell properly.

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer:

- I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?

- It's $50,000 - the lawyer said.

- But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?

- That's my business! Get me the course!

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said:

- please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said:

- One less lawyer . . .