Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.
- What's the matter? - he asked of his friend, - Did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?
- No - it's worse than that, - replied the friend between sobs, - he sold it to me...
- Hello, police? Please send an officer over to 324 London Road right away!
- Sorry, this isn't the police station. It's the Delicatessen.
- Oh. Well, in that case, please send over a pastrami sandwich!
Early Texas governors were not very well educated. There was once a chief executive who thought "grammar" was his father's mother.
On one occasion this governor went hunting and forgot his gun. He phoned his secretary and asked him to send the gun.
- The phone connection's bad - said the secretary.
- I couldn't catch that last word. Spell it.
The governor replied:
- 'G' like in Jesus; 'U' like in onion; 'N' like in pneumonia GUN, you damn fool!
The Pope dies and, naturally, goes to heaven. He's met by the reception committee, and after a whirlwind tour is told that he can enjoy any of the myriad recreations available.
He decides that he wants to read all of the ancient original text of the Holy Scriptures, and spends the next eon or so learning the languages. After becoming a linguistic master, he sits down in the library and begins to pore over every version of the Bible, working back from the most recent "Easy Reading" to the original script.
All of a sudden there is a scream in the library. The angels come running to him, only to find the Pope huddled in a chair, crying to himself, and muttering:
- An 'R'! They left out the 'R'.
God takes him aside, offering comfort and asks him what the problem is. After collecting his wits, the Pope sobs again:
- It's the letter 'R' ... the word was supposed to be CELEBRATE!
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.
- Quick, quick! - shouts Sister Mary Agnes - What should we do?
- Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination - says Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
- What shall I do now? - she shouts.
- Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican - replies Sister Mary Vincent.
Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer.
The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.
- Now what? - shouts Sister Mary Agnes.
- Show him your cross - says Sister Mary Vincent.
- Now you're talking - says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts:
- Get the hell off our car!
What did the bunny want to do when he grew up?
→ Join the Hare Force.
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
→ Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
→ One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
→ A mandate to govern.
What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough?
→ "Mmm. Canapes."
What do you call a crafty pig?
→ CunningHam
