Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus stops them and says:
- Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!
Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.
At which point Jesus looks over and says...
- Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!
Stressed out...try some of these relaxing tidbits :)
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
- Well, how was the honeymoon? - asked the mother.
- Oh mamma! - she exclaimed.
- The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic!
No sooner had she spoken the words than she burst out crying.
- But mamma . . . as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. He's been saying things I've never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!
- Now Sarah . . . - her mother answered.
- Calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?
- Please don't make me tell you, mamma - wept the daughter.
- I'm so embarrassed! They're just too awful! You've got to come get me and take me home... please mamma!
- Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset . . . Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride replied:
- Oh, mamma . . . words like dust, wash, iron, and cook!
Jay Leno Jokes from the Tonight Show...
Pharmaceutical companies that make birth control pills are telling teenage girls that taking the pill can help clear up their skin. Do you think that's true? I think there is a better chance of clearing up the boyfriend's skin ...
Fashion experts say that President Bush is helping bring back cowboy boots and cowboy hats. See, so it is not just for male strippers anymore ...
LeAnn Rimes apologized to fans for the quality of her new album. Isn't that unbelievable? If LeAnn Rimes has to apologize for her album, what the heck is Kathie Lee going to do, commit suicide?
In an interview with Vanity Fair magazine, Hugh Hefner admitted having 7 girlfriends, one for each night of the week ... Someone should tell him those are called nurses. He said they all have sex together in the same bed. He said Viagra makes it possible ... I think money makes it possible!
Surgeons in Britain amputated the hand of the world's first hand transplant patient because the guy requested it, after his body rejected it. How depressing is that? It's bad enough getting rejected by women, but guys, when your own hand turns you down?
According to a new government report, the military is running out of bullets. We are running out of ammunition! Oh good ... let's tell our enemies ... that's what I love about our country, you can't tell your sexual preference in the Navy, but you can tell our enemies we're running out of ammunition.
- We don't have any bullets, and I can't tell you if I'm gay.
This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
- You may not have more than two dildos in a house.
- Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony. This goes back in the days of the Wild West.
- There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
- When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
- Hunting camels is prohibited.
- Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
- It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
- Cars may not be driven in reverse.
- Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
- If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
- No more than six girls may live in any house.
- It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
- A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
- An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
- No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
- Women may not wear pants.
- It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
- A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
- A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
- Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
- The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
- Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw".
- A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
- Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
- It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
- It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
- No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
- Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
If you cross a telephone and a pair of scissors, what do you get?
→ Snippy answers.
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him he said:
- I forgot my teeth.
The man said:
- No problem.
He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
- Try these - he said.
The speaker tried them.
- Too loose - he said.
The man then said:
- I have another pair - try these.
The speaker tried them and responded:
- Too tight.
The man was not taken back at all.
He then said:
- I have one more pair. Try them.
The speaker said:
- They fit perfectly.
With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
- I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.
The man replied:
- I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker.
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly:
- Good morning son.
- Good morning pastor - replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque.
- Sir, what is this? - Johnny asked.
- Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service - replied the pastor.
Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly:
- Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?
