For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
- What the heck is wolf style? - you ask.
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her:
- We can just live on love.
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked:
- What are you doing?
She replied:
- Heating your breakfast.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
→ He eats beans for dinner.
This is a quiz to see if you should be considered a 'professional smart person' by your friends. You can scroll down for answers. There are 4 questions. They are not that difficult.
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
- There's a car being towed from the parking lot - he said.
- An ambulance just drove by.
A few moments passed.
- Looks like the Andersons have company - he called out.
- Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.
Mom and Dad shot up in bed.
- How do you know that? - the startled father asked.
- Their kid is standing out on the balcony too - his son replied.
Why are blondes like corn flakes?
→ Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
A young man walks up and sits at the bar.
- What can I get you? - the bartender inquires.
- I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, - responded the young man.
- 6 shots! Are you celebrating something?
- Yeah, my first blow job.
- Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.
- No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will.
What does the Star Trek Enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?
→ They both circle around uranus searching for klingons!
I was so poor growing up...
If I wasn't born a boy..
I'd have nothing to play with.
A girl phoned me the other day and said ....
- Come on over, there's nobody home.
I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy:
- Hey buddy, why are you doing that?
He said:
- Because you came home early.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
I was such an ugly kid...
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I was such an ugly baby...
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
I'm so ugly...
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father:
- I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... But he pulled through.
I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ....
- Do you think we'll ever find them?
He said:
- I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I'm so ugly...
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor:
- Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? - he said...
- I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
10 year old Johnny's mother, who was a hard working single mom, had been promising for some time now to buy poor Johnny a bike.
Johnny, who loved his Momma dearly, hadn't made a big deal about it for a long time, but suddenly decided NOW was the right time to ask. So he rushes downstairs to tell his Momma that he wanted his bike and he wanted it now.
He gets downstairs, looks around, doesn't see his mother, so he rushes back upstairs, opens the door to his mother's room and stops dead in his tracks, 'cause there was his Momma, laying stark naked on her bed, rubbing herself all over repeating:
- Oh, I need a man, Ohhh I need a man.
Johnny, who was naturally a little stunned by the sight, backs quietly out the door and goes back to his room.
Well, a few days passes and Johnny works up the nerve to once again tell his Mother that he wants his bike and he wants it NOW. So he rushes downstairs, doesn't see his mother, he rushes upstairs, opens Momma's door and there once again was his Mother, laying stark naked on the bed, Rubbing herself all over and repeating:
- Oh, I need a man. Ohhh, I need a man.
Once again he backs out quietly.
Well, this time it took little Johnny a bit longer to muster up the nerve to demand his bike, but he finally does and rushes downstairs, No Momma, so he rushes upstairs, throws Momma's door open and there to his amazement was his Momma, lying stark naked on her bed, but this time she had a man on top of her.
Johnny backs out of the room, walks quietly down the hall to his room and sits on his bed. He thinks about what he has just witnessed for a while and then, just like a bolt of lightning had struck, Johnny jumps up and screams:
- I GOT IT !!!!!!
JOHNNY PEELS ALL OF HIS CLOTHES OFF, LIES STARK NAKED ON HIS BED AND STARTS TO RUB ALL OVER HIMSELF REPEATING:
- OH, I NEED A BIKE, OOOOHHHHHHHH I NEED A BIKE
