Most viewed jokes

What is Bill Clinton's favorite web browser?
→ Microsoft Intern Exploiter

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

It's time to turn your computer off and read a book when....

1. You wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You name your children Eudora, AOL and dotcom.
3. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
4. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap and your child in the overhead compartment.
5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
6. You laugh at people with 14.4 baud modems.
7. You start using smileys in your snail mail.
8. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com.
9. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
10. You can't call your mother. She doesn't have a modem.
11. You check you mail. It says "no new messages". So you check it again.
12. You don't know what gender three of your closest friends are because they have neutral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
13. You move into a new house and decide to netscape before you landscape.
14. You tell the cab driver you live at http://1000.edison.garden/house/brick.html
15. You start tilting you head sideways to smile.
16. After reading this message, you immediately e-mail it to 10 friends.

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it's the '90's!, he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark's brother on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. IF he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard:

- Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

- I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.

- The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.

- I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.

- The car ran out of gas.

- Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.

- He started it.

- I have jet lag.

- I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.

- I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

- I missed the bus.

- The alarm didn't go off.

- I couldn't find a parking space.

- The Devil made me do it.

- Drugs made me do it.

- Everybody else does it.

- That's not my department.

- Our computer's down.

- We must have misplaced your original request.

- It's on someone elses desk.

- Don't ask me - I just work here.

What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
→ She peed on her corn flakes.

Why do blondes have two more brain cells than a cow?
→ So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
→ So that when you pull their tits, they don't moo.

When his wife gave birth to a healthy baby, a proud father went in to work and told everybody that he has a 10Kg healthy son.

After hearing what was going on, the wife tells the father to quit telling everybody that the baby is 10Kg because he's only 4 Kg.

Next day at work, the father comes in and tells everyone that the baby is only 4 Kg.

- What do you mean, he was 10 yesterday?

- Umm, well that was before he got circumcised.

Man goes to the bar and says:

- bartender, give me 7 shots of Vodka.

The bartender says:

- Ok, but pal you are gonna hurt yourself with that.

The man says:

- Just pour them.

The man takes the first shot and the bartender says:

- Hey, you want to talk about it?

The man says:

- No!

and drinks the next 2 shots.

The bartender says:

- Come on and tell me about it I've got a good ear, that's why a lot of people come here for, to tell their troubles.

The man by then has finished the 7 shots and says:

- Ok, today was my first blowjob.

The bartender says:

- Hey great, have another on the house.

The man says:

- No, if 7 doesn't get the taste out, nothing will!

1. Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
2. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
3. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
4. To All You Virgins, Thanks For Nothing.
5. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
6. I Have The Body Of A God... Buddha
7. Illiterate? Write For Help
8. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong
9. Cat: The Other White Meat
10. Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends