Most viewed jokes

What is grosser than gross?
→ Having a dream about chocolate pudding and then waking up with a spoon in your butt.

A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of serviceby sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying onthe bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that thepresident of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theTemple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's yourrespect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her andsays, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:

- Acts like her!

- Looks like her!

- Smells like her!

So I took her home my father doesn't like her!?!!

Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says:

- Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?

The other guy says:

- Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!

A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for the pick up and return of the groom's tuxedo.

After final fitting, rent an extra coat jacket that is either three or four sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to actually get dressed.

The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know anything as long as possible.

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?
→ Well, the light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry store he just went to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable customers. This didn't work too well but maybe if you have better actors in your group it would.

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.

- You know, Doc, - he said.

- I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.

- And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions, - the medic said.

- Hell, no, - the old fellow replied.

- I want to borrow your Lamborghini.

The Hazards of Kicking the Cat There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day doing his chores. He was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the yard. He was feeding the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He was milking the cow and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it, too. His mom had been watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork for a month because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his dad got home. His dad came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked that cat across the room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to tell him or am I?"