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NOTIFICATION TO ALL STAFF REGARDING LANGUAGE

It has been brought to our attention that some individuals have been using foul language during the execution of their duties. Due to complaints from managers who are more easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do realise, however, the importance of staff being able to properly express their feelings when communicating with other employees. With this in mind, the Human Resources Department has compiled a list of code phrases so proper exchange of ideas/information can continue in an effective manner without risking offence to our more sensitive brethren.

Old Phrase → New Phrase

1. No fucking way → I'm fairly sure that this is not feasible
2. Your fucking joking → Really
3. Tell someone who gives a fuck → Have you run that by................
4. No cunt told me → I was not involved in that project
5. I don't have the fucking time → Perhaps I can work late
6. Who fucking cares → Are you sure that is the problem
7. Eat shit and die → You don't say
8. Eat shit and die motherfucker → You don't say, Sir
9. Kiss my arse → So you would like me to help you
10. He's a fucking prick → He is somewhat insensitive
11. That's fucking bullshit → I find that hard to believe
12. You haven't got a fucking clue → You could benefit from more training
13. This place is fucked → We are a little disorganised today
14. What sort of fucker are you → You're new here aren't you?
15. Fuck off shit head → Well there you go
16. You're a fucking wanker → You're my manager and I respect you
17. Ha! Fuck you → I wasn't there that day
18. This is bollocks → We need to look into this some more
19. I aint got no cunt → I am rather short of labour
20. Fuck off → I'll look into that and get back to you

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Frozen Barbie on a Stick ...in your grocer's frozen food section

Assembler: You shoot yourself in the foot.

Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.

BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.

BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.

C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.

COBOL:
USE HANDGUN.
COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.
FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.
HAND.
FINGER ON HANDGUN.
COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.
COLT TO HIP.
HOLSTER.

cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.

dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.

Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.

Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.

Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.

PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.

Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.

Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
→ Ones a gross dirty slimy scum-sucking bottom-feeder, and ones a fish...

A blonde who got a fishing rod for her birthday decided to go ice fishing to make good use of her gift. Early the next morning, she got all her gear together and headed out to the ice.

When she reached her final destination, she cut a large hole in the ice and dipped the rod in. Then suddenly she heard a voice that said:

- There are no fish in there.

So she moves to another spot and cuts another hole, but then the same voice spoke again and told her there were no fish in there.

So she moves again, and the voice tells her there are no fish in there. So she looks up and sees an irritated man staring down at her.

- How do you know there are no fish there? - asks the blonde.

So the man cooly says:

- Well first of all, this is a hockey rink, and second of all, you're going to have to pay for those holes.

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in thirty minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said:

- Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?

Keith replied:

- No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs. Would you take him for me please?

Now picture this. All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses that day. People scattered not only trying to change planes but also trying to change airlines!

Little Johnny says to his mother " Mommy, I have to go and tinkle." The mother replies back " Would you like Mommy to take you?". Little Johnny says " No let grandma . . . her hand shakes! "

Shakey went to a psychiatrist.

- Doc - he said - I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!

- Just put yourself in my hands for two years - said the shrink. Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

- How much do you charge?

- A hundred dollars per visit.

- I'll sleep on it - said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

- Why didn't you ever come to see me again? - asked the psychiatrist.

- For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.

- Is that so! How?

- He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman:

- That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting.

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."