Most viewed jokes

Recently, on an outing with my scout troop, the question came up of when the new millenium will begin--January 1st 2000 or 2001.

So the Scoutmaster explained that each century begins with year "1" and ends with year "100" - thus the reason why the 20th century began at the start of 1901 and will end at the close of 2000.

To illustrate his point, he gathered 15 berries and asked the boys how many he had.

Each boy correctly answered:

- 15.

His next question was:

- Now which berry is number '0'?

To which one boy blurted out:

- The one that isn't there!

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

- Mine - says the man.

- My dog has just killed him - she says.

- What breed is your dog? - he asks.

- A Chiuahua - she says.

- How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

- He got caught in his throat!!!

Signs you've had too much of the 90's!

- You try to enter your password on the microwave.

- You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."

- You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.

- You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

- You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.

- You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your online buddies via a Web page.

- The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is totally foreign to you.

- You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.

- Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

- And finally... You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person!

Why do so many black people move to Detroit?
→ Because they heard there were no jobs there.

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

- Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days. The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says:

- What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?

- The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!

The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes Assigned

- Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything

- Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly

- Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet)

- Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)?

- Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error

- Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename

- Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash

- Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited

- Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy

- Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors

- Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered

- Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement

- Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time

- Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found

- Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize

- Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors

- Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead

- Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN

- Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated

- Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down

- Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue

- Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted

- Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence

- Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused

- Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations

- Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue

- Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted

- Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted

- Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That.

- Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota

- Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here

- Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait....

- Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember

- Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error

- Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

What kind of drugs are mail carriers not tested for?
→ SPEED!

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory.

Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there.

Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.

- Who are these from? - she asked the nurse.

- They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them.

- Well - said the nurse.

- The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks.

- Ahhh, thats really nice - said Lucy.

- The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!

- Brilliant! - said Lucy.

- And the third?

- Thats from Eric in the burns unit - said the nurse.

- He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears!

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said:

- In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied:

- In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...!

Two men are driving through Philadelphia when they get pulled over by a Highway Patrolman. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver asks:

- What the hell was that for?

The cop answers:

- You're in Philadelphia son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.

The driver says:

- I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here.

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks:

- What'd you do that for?

The cop says:

- Just making your wish come true.

The passenger asks:

- Making what wish come true?

The cop says:

- I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your buddy, "I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!"