Most viewed jokes

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said:

- Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replies:

- The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:

1. Juggling Knives is Easy
2. Where to Find the toys in the Oven
3. Where Mommy & Daddy Hide Neat Things
4. Kick, Scream, and Cry to Get What You Want
5. "Whatcha' Doin'" the Wonderful Phrase
6. 101 Games to Play in the Road
7. The Indoor Pool is a Big Potty and the Divingboard is the Flusher
8. Homemade Fireworks using a Bathtub, a Blowdryer, and a Fork
9. POP, goes the Hamster and other fun Microwave Games
10. Arthur Gets Hunted
11. Clifford and the Big and Yellow Semi
12. Monsters Killed Grandpa
13. The hit sequel to "Elvis is your real dad" Mrs. Clause is your real Mom
14. Chicken Poop for the Kid Soul
15. All Guns Squirt Water
16. When The Garbage Truck Came to Sesame Street
17. How Fun it is to Tie a Squirrel to a Kite
18. You Can Get Sucked Down the Drain
19. How to Make Sushi with Ordinary Goldfish
20. 101 recipies to make with Dog
21. If its Storming out the Best Place to keep shelter is under a tree
22. The New Boy is Bad
23. Your Nightmares are real
24. The Time When Elmer REALLY got Bugs
25. Scooby Doo Gets Rabbis
26. The Lion, the Steak, and the Blender
27. The Little Kitten that was too Curious.....
28. The Boy who was so Stupid that his Dad put him up for Adoption
29. Mickey Mouse and the Mouse Trap
30. Chuck E. Cheese and Cheddar get a Flamethrower
31. Grampa Gets A Casket
32. Dad's New Wife Robert
33. The Magical World Inside The Abandoned Refridgerator

You know you're a redneck jedi when..:

- You hear: Luke, I am your father... and your uncle...

- You ever said the phrase: May the force be with y'all.

- Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

- You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

- At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

- You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

- You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

- The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

- Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

- You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.

- You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

- You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

- You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

- You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

- You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

- Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

- You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

- You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

- You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

- Your father has ever said to you: Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot.

One evening this Columbia Yuppie was stopped for allegedly drunken driving and was given a breath test by the Howard County Police.

- Well ? - he asked somewhat belligerently as the Desk Sergeant slowly read the print out and entered the information in the arrest record.

- Disappointing to say the least - the Sergeant replied.

- Chateau Duvalier... 1962... rather thin... not aged well at all.

Why did the pig run away from the pig sty?
→ He felt that the other pigs were taking him for grunted.

What song do pigs sing on New Year's Eve?
→ Auld Lang Swine.

Mama Pig has a great, new kitchen appliance that lets her prepare meals ahead.
It's called a garbage compactor.

A biologist phones his wife from his office and says:

- Honey, something has just come up, I realize its not my field season, but I have to visit my field site for a week. So, would you pack my clothes, my field equipment and my blue silk pajamas? I'll be home in 1 hour to pick them up.

A week later he returned.

- Did you have a good trip, dear? - his wife asked.

- Oh, it was just a typical field trip, you know, work work work - he exclaimed, and added:

- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.

- No I didn't - she replied - I put them in the box of field equipment!

- Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?

- Boy Hero: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

Why are Gorillas underpaid?
→ They're willing to work peanuts!