Most viewed jokes

What do baby pythons play with?
→ Rattle-snakes.

Did you hear about the redneck who was shootin craps?
→ He blew a hole in the toilet.

A mother was having dinner with her two young children when her three year old daughter asked her why there were two holes in your nose.

Her four year old son quickly responded with:

- So you can still breath when you pick your nose!

There are two guys walking in front of a large church. One guy says to the other:

- Just a minute, I'll be right back.

He goes into the confessional and says:

- Father forgive me, for I have sinned. I have had two extramarital affairs.

The Father says:

- You need to say 40 Hail Marys, and I also need to know if the women were members of my parish.

The confessor replies:

- Yes Father, they were.

The priest says then that in order to receive absolution he, the priest, needed the names of the two women.

The man said:

- Father, I don't kiss and tell, and besides, I must leave them to handle their own confessions.

The priest responded:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. O'Reilly?

The man replied:

- No Father, and I wouldn't say anyway. I've told you that!

The priest says:

- Well, was one of them Mrs. Brown?

Exasperated the man said:

- No Father, and I told you I'm not telling you the names of the women!!!

The priest said:

- Well then I'm going to expel you from the congregation for 6 months!

The man said:

- OK, fine. and left.

As he approached his friend at the bottom of the steps his friend said:

- So, how did it go?

The confessor said:

- Great! 6 months off, and two leads!

ARTERY - THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS
BACTERIA - BACK DOOR OF A CAFETERIA
BARIUM - WHAT DOCTORS DO WHEN A PATIENT DIES
BOWEL - A LETTER LIKE A, E, I, O, OR U
CESAREAN SECTION - A NEIGHBORHOOK IN ROME
CAT SCAN - SEARCHING FOR A KITTY
CAUTERIZE - HAD EYE CONTACT WITH HER
COLIC - A SHEEP DOG
COMA - A PUNCTUATION MARK
D & C - WHERE WASHINGTON IS
DILATE - TO LIVE LONG
ENEMA - NOT A FRIEND
FESTER - QUICKER
FIBULA - A SMALL LIE
GENITAL - NOT A JEW
G.I. SERIES - A SOLDIER'S BALL GAME
HANGNAIL - COAT HOOK
IMPOTENT - DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN
LABOR PAIN - GETTING HURT AT WORK
MEDICAL STAFF - A DOCTOR'S CANE
MORBID - A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATES - CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES
NODE - WAS AWARE OF
OUTPATIENT - A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
PAP SMEAR - A FATHERHOOD TEST
PELVIS - A COUSIN TO ELVIS
POST OPERATIVE - LETTER CARRIER
RECOVERY ROOM - PLACE TO DO UPHOLSTERY
RECTUM - DAMN NEAR KILLED 'EM
SECRETION - HIDING SOMETHING
SEIZURE - ROMAN EMPEROR
TABLET - SMALL TABLE
TERMINAL ILLNESS - GETTING SICK AT THE AIRPORT
ULTRASOUND - VERY GOOD MUSIC
URINE - OPPOSITE OF "YOU'RE OUT"
VARICOSE - NEAR BY
VEIN - CONCEITED

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ "What's a lightbulb?"
→ One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
→ Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"

Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
→ Because it kept falling out.

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

- Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!

- Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.

You can learn a lot from reading the graffiti in a bathroom, library or other public area...

- The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. — Women's rest room, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

- If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here - Your asshole is in Washington! — Men's rest room, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

- Beauty is only a light switch away. — Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, N.C.

- If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives. — Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

- Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?" — Rest stop off Route 81, W. VA.

- God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? — The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. — The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

- No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her crap. — Men's rest room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.

- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. — Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

- A woman's rule of thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. — Women's rest room, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

- Watch out for gay limbo dancers. — Inside toilet stall door, men's rest room?

- Express Lane: Five beers or less. — Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

- You're too good for him. — Sign over mirror in women's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- No wonder you always go home alone. — Sign over mirror in men's rest room, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

- What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. — Men's rest room, Lynagh's, Lexington, KY