Most viewed jokes

What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
→ Four guys watching a football game.

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.

After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying:

- I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork... Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said:

- I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion.

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked:

- Your religion, too... I know you're supposed to be celibate. But....

The priest replied:

- Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice.

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said:

- Better than pork, isn't it?

Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up whose father.

One boy said:

- My father is better than your father.

The other kid said:

- Well, my mother is better than your mother.

The first boy paused and then replied:

- I guess you're right. My father says the same thing.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant

A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.

E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.

K - KISS: Mom's medicine.

L - LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and next a profit of 15 cents.

M - MAYBE: No.

N - Nail Polish: part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

O - OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

P - PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Q - QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.

R - REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.

S - SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

T - TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS".

U - UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

V - VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there, too.

W - WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

X - XOXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

Y - "YIPPEE!": What mother's shout the first day of school.

Z - ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.

As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.

- Jeeves - she said.

- Take off my dress.

He did this carefully.

- Jeeves - she continued.

- Take off my stockings and garter.

He silently obeyed her.

- Jeeves - she then said.

- Remove my bra and panties.

As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said:

- Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!

Have you ever smelled mothballs????

I was just wondering how you would get their little legs open!!!!

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:

- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen!

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
I will be drunk,
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer,
The bitter,
The lager.

- Xerox and Wurlitzer: They're going to make reproductive organs

- Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers: New company will be called Fairwell Honeychild

- Polygram records, Warner Brothers and Keebler: new company will be called Poly Warner Cracker

- W.R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale Business Systems: New company will be called Hale Mary Fuller Grace

- 3M and Goodyear: New company will be called mmmGood

- John Deere and Abitibi-Price: new company will be called Deere Abi

- Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil: New company will be called Honey I'm Home

- Denison Mines, Alliance and Metal Mining: New company will be called Mine, All Mine

- 3M, J.C. Penney and Canadian Opera Company: New company will be called 3 Penney Opera

- Grey Poupon and Dockers Pants: New company will be called Poupon Pants

- Knott's Berry Farm and National organization of Women: New company will be called Knott NOW!

- Zippo Manufacturing, Audi, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining: New company will be called Zip Audi Do-Da