Most viewed jokes

What should you call a bald teddy?
→ Fred bear!

Why do vampires hate arguments?
→ Because they make themselves cross.

How does Dracula like to have his food served?
→ In bite-sized pieces.

As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied:

- Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from.

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked:

- Who is in the limo, the mayor?

The policeman told him:

- No, someone more important than the mayor.

Then the chief asked:

- Is it the governor?

The policeman answered:

- No, someone more important than the governor.

The chief finally asked:

- Is it the President?

The policeman answered:

- No, someone even more important than the President.

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed:

- Now who is more important than the President?!

The policeman calmly wispered:

- I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur.

Osama bin Laden threatened Russia:
If you get caught up in this war... I'll hide from you too!

A small boy is sent to bed by his father...

[Five minutes later]

- Da-ad...

- What?

- I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

- No. You had your chance. Lights out.

[Five minutes later]

- Da-aaaad...

- WHAT?

- I'm THIRSTY... Can I have a drink of water??

- I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!

[Five minutes later]

- Daaaa-aaaAAAAD...

- WHAT??!!

- When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The most beautiful one..

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most:

- When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!

They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.

The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?

The wife put down her drink and said...:

- let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Celery

- Celery who?

- Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!