Most viewed jokes

What kind of wood does not float?
→ Natalie Wood!

How is a dog's tail like the center of a tree?
→ It's furthest from the bark!

How can you tell when a blonde is having a bad day?
→ When she has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.

One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.

Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself:

- If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser.

So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher:

- Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker.

The preacher turns to Bubba and says:

- No son, but I got him with the door.

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Like a Penis:

10. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
11. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
12. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
13. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call "E-mail Envy."
14. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
15. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
16. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
17. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
18. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

And the number one reason "Why e-mail is like a penis."

1. If you play with it too much, you'll go blind!

What do you call an open can of tuna in a Lesbians apartment?
→ Po-pouri!!!

Why do men always want their brides to wear white?
→ Because they want their dish washer to match their fridge and stove.

A man goes to visit the grave of his mother, puts a beautiful bouquet at the headstone and gets up, to leave when he notices another man crying his heart out, lying on one of the graves in such a way, that he breaks the other man's heart.

The sobbing goes on and on and he hears the other say:

- Oh why? Why did you have to die!? Why did you go?

And then he breaks down sobbing again, hitting his head over the headstone, still crying:

- Oh why did you die!? Why did you go so soon?

Intringued, the other guy goes to him and says:

- I'm so sorry for your loss, is there anything I can do for you?

- Who is the person you are crying over so desperately, he asks, in compassion?

- That's my wife's third husband, comes the reply, between sobs.

- I'm number four.....

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

- There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head. (Jay Leno)

- We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves. (David Letterman)

- It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard. (David Letterman)

- There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail. (Jay Leno)

- People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan. (Jay Leno)

- Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo.' (Jay Leno)

- We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis. (Jay Leno)

- There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country. (Jay Leno)

What's a teddy bears favourite pasta?
→ Tagliateddy!