Most viewed jokes

- Adam: How did Mummy know you hadn't had a bath?

- Eve: I forgot to dirty the towel, wet the soap and flood the bathroom.

- Robot: I have to dry my feet carefully after a bath.

- Monster: Why?

- Robot: Otherwise I get rusty nails.

What happened when the barman died?
→ The police held an inn-quest

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure Kemosabe - and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said:

- I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said:

- I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said:

- Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said:

- I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice:

- Jessica, will you shut up!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked:

- Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied:

- only when he's drunk.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey:

- If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

- I don't have one - she said.

- Well then, are you a friend of the groom?

- I should say not - snapped the woman.

- I'm the bride's mother!

• Act naturally
• Found missing
• Resident alien
• Advanced BASIC
• Genuine imitation
• Safe sex
• Airline food
• Good grief
• Same difference
• Almost exactly
• Government organization
• Sanitary landfill
• Alone together
• Legally drunk
• Silent scream
• British fashion
• Living dead
• Small crowd
• Business ethics
• Microsoft Works
• Soft rock
• Butt head
• Military intelligence
• Software documentation
• California culture
• New classic
• Sweet sorrow
• Childproof
• "Now, then ..."

• Synthetic natural gas
• Christian Scientists
• Passive aggression
• Taped live
• Clearly misunderstood
• Peace force
• Temporary tax increase
• Computer jock
• Plastic glasses
• Terribly pleased
• Computer security
• Political science
• Tight slacks
• Definite maybe
• Pretty ugly
• Twelve-ounce pound cake
• Diet ice cream
• Rap music
• Working vacation
• Exact estimate
• Religious tolerance

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
→ Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!