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On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said:

- Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

- It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty - it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.

God continued:

- I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.

- But Lord, - asked Gabriel - don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?

- No, not really. - God replied...

- Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!

NICKNAMES: If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

But if Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as LardAss, Butt-Breath, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT: When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

BATHROOMS: A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS: A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument!

DRESSING UP: A man will dress up for weddings, funerals. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.

LOOKS: Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. ( I invite any woman to prove me wrong! :)

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:

- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.

Morris hung his head and whispered:

- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!

- ...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found?

- ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer?

- ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit?

- ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out?

- ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you.

- ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes.

- ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some.

- ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around.

- ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.

- ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth.

- ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading.

- ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.

- ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries.

- ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card.

- ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on.

- ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything.

After church on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother:

- Mom, I've decided I'm going to be a minister when I grow up.

- That's okay with us - the mother said.

- But what made you decide to be a minister?

- Well - the boy replied.

- I'll have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell than to sit still and listen.

What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit?
→ A honey bunny.

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were robbing a supermarket when a police officer walked in the store.

The three women decide to hide in three potato sacks.

The cop kicks the first bag, and the brunette says:

- meow - the cop says:

- oh, its only a cat

He kicks the second bag, and the redhead says:

- woof, woof - the cop says:

- its only a dog.

He kicks the third bag, and the blonde says:

- potato

Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the house.

Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.

A flea jumped over the swinging doors of a saloon, drank three whiskeys and jumped out again. He picked himself up from the dirt, dusted himself down and said, "OK, who moved my dog?"

- Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?

- Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!

- Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?

- Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.