Most viewed jokes

Boy With A Frog

A little boy walks down the street with a dead frog on a string.

He enters a whorehouse and approaches the madam.

- Madam, I would like to have a girl for the afternoon. - says the little boy.

- Sonny, I think you're a little young for that. - replies the madam.

The little boy places a $100 bill in the madam's hand.

- One lady coming up. - says the madam.

- And I want her to have herpes - says the little boy.

- Why on earth would you want that? - asked the madam, and anyway, I don't have any women like that. All my girls are clean.

The little boy pulls out another $100 bill and gives it to the madam.

- One dirty girl, coming up - she says.

The madam takes the little boy upstairs and leaves him in a room with a well endowed blonde. When he comes down a little bit later, she says:

- Son, I can understand you wanting to get laid, but why on earth would you want to catch something like herpes?

The little boy looks the madam straight in the eye and says:

- It's like this lady... When I get home the babysitter's going to be there and I'm gonna fuck her and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my mom and dad come home, my dad's going to take the babysitter home and fuck her and HE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then when my dad gets home, he's going to fuck my mom and SHE'S going to get the herpes.

- Then about 10 o'clock tomorrow morning, the mailman's going to show up at my house and fuck my mom and HE'S THE ONE THAT KILLED MY FUCKING FROG!

The Bobbit Hillbillies

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said:

- Hey, I can fix that dong!

- A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need

And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

Deodorant Shopping

Another blonde, another store...

She goes over to the deodorant display and tells the clerk:

- I need to buy some deodorant for my husband.

- Does he use the ball kind? - inquired the clerk.

- No - replied the blonde:

- The kind for under his arms.

What Is God

One morning at church, the pastor was preaching about what God was and wasn't.

He said:

- God is neither white, nor black. God is neither male nor female.

After hearing all this, a curious 5 year old turned to his dad and asked:

- Daddy, is God Michael Jackson?

Cool Bumper Stickers

- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.

- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.

- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

- Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.

- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.

- Lord save me from your followers.

- God must love stupid people. He made so many.

- I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

- Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.

- I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

Forrest Gump Chocolates

- Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...

- Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!

- Forrest (Homer) Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolate

- Forrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!

- Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!

- Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..

Next on 'Forrest'

- Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the question

- Forrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilated

- Forrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolate

- Forrest Zen - I am one with the chocolate

- Forrest McClaine - I used to be a box of Chocolates

- Forrest Ventura - Chocolates..

Alll-Riighty then...

- Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolate

- Forrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?

- Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolate

- Forrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolate

- Forrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'n

- Forrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolate

- Forrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.

- Forrest Lee - Fight with your inner chocolate

- Forrest Clinton - I didn't inhale the cream centers

- Forrest Davidson - I will inhale the cream filled centers

- Forrest Doo - Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!

- Forrest Marx - That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.

- Forrest Nicholson - You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolate

- Forrest Copperfield - Poof, the chocolates are gone!

- Forrest Noah - 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butter

- Forrest on phonics - Lief es lyk a boks uv chakolets

- Forrest PsychicLine - Yes, I knew you were a chocolate

- Forrest Alimony - The Box is mine!

- Forrest Andrews - The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolates

- Forrest Costello - Who's eating chocolate?

- Forrest Abbott - No, who is not eating chocolate

- Forrest Vader - Luke, I am your chocolate

- Forrest Yoda - There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.