Most viewed jokes

Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.

Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.

When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.

He said:

- Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.

- I promise not to mention his ears at all - said Little Johnny.

At the neighbors home, Little Johnny leaned over in the crib and touched the baby's hand. He looked at it's mother and said:

- Oh What a Beautiful little baby

The mother said:

- Thank you very much, Little Johnny.

He then said:

- this baby has perfect little hands and perfect little feet. Why... just look at his pretty little eyes.... Did his doctor say that he can see good?

The Mother said:

- why, yes Johnny... his doctor said he has 20/20 vision.

Little Johnny said:

- well, its a darn good thing, cause he sure couldn't wear glasses!!!

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying copies, not the original books. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says:

- We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.

So, he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody has seen him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks what's wrong.

The old monk sobs:

- The word is celebrate.

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!

What does a vampire take for a cold?
→ Coffin syrup!

Did you hear about the vampire in Camelot?
→ He was a bite of the Round Table!

What does Mrs Dracula say to Mr Dracula when he leaves for work in the evening?
→ Have a nice bite!

Two Rangers stopped a guy for speeding on the state highway in Waxahachie, Texas. As they were writing up the ticket, one Ranger turned to the other and said:

- How do you spell Waxahachie?

The other one replied:

- I don't know.

So the first one said:

- Well what are we gong to do? If we spell it wrong it will get dismissed.

The second Ranger said:

- Why don't we just let him go and stop him again when he gets to Waco?

When is a parent like a child?
→ When he's a miner.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Amy

- Amy who?

- Amy for the top!

Guidry called in Plotke, the painter, for an estimate to paint his house.

- How much you gonna charge me? - asked Guidry.

- Twenty dollars an hour, - replied Plotke.

- Good Lord! - exclaimed the home owner.

- I wouldn't pay Michelangelo that price!

- I tell you one thing, mister, - said the painter.

- If that guy you mentioned is doin' the job for less, he ain't no member of our union!