HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 9 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
- English: I Love you
- Spanish: Te Amo
- French: Je T'aimes
- German: Ich Liebe Dich
- Japanese: Ai Shite Imasu
- Italian: Ti Amo
- Chinese: Wo Ai Ni
- Swedish: Jag Alskar
- Alabama, Arkansas, North Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, North Carolina and Kentucky: Nice Tits
On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.
Below is his explanation...
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
- You know - said the first explorer.
- we should name this place we're hiking through.
- I agree - said the second explorer.
- Great idea - quipped the third explorer.
- We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.
- Okay - said the third.
- I'll go first. C, eh.
The second said:
- N, eh.
The first...
- D, eh.
And now you know the story.
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
- I brought a Walkman.
- And what is it for?
- You can listen to music with it!
- That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?
- I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!
- Well done, Kenny.
- Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!
- Yes, I did. It's in the hall.
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
- Umm, Johnny, what is that?
- It's a heart/lung machine hospitals use to keep your heart going.
- Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?
- He said, 'AAAARRRGGGH!!!'
A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:
- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!
The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.
The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed:
- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?
- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated a whale could not swallow a human it was impossible.
The little girl said:
- When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.
The teacher asked:
- What if Jonah went to hell?
The little girl replied:
- Then you ask him.
How can you spell chilly with two letters?
→ IC (icy).
Why did the goal post get angry?
→ Because the bar was rattled!
Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
→ So that they can pack the defence!
There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said:
- If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said:
- You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said:
- I don't know what you're laughing about, your wife fell three times this week.
Three boys were heading home from school one day when one started the time-honored game of paternal one-upmanship. He said:
- My dad's way faster than any of yours, he can throw a 90-mph fast ball from the pitcher's mound and run and catch it just after it crosses the plate!
One of the other boys said:
- Oh yeah? Well, my dad can shoot an arrow from his bow and run to the target and hold it up to make sure the arrow hits the bulls eye!
The last boy said:
- Your dads don't even come close to being faster than mine. My dad works for the government, and even though he works every day until 4:00 he gets home at 3:30!
