Most viewed jokes

What is Monica's favorite chinese food?
→ Cream of sum young guy.

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.

- How much is that television set? - she asks.

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes - the clerk said.

So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks:

- How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk replies:

- Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

Again, the girl walks out.

She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks:

- How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk again replies:

- We don't sell to blondes!

Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.

She asks carefully:

- How do you know I'm a blond?

The clerk looks at the girl and says...

- Because that's not a television, it's a microwave!

Why do they name cyclones after women?
→ Because they start off as little blow jobs and end up taking the whole house!

Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
→ Because they are all perfect assholes!

Why did God create lesbians?
→ So feminists wouldn't breed.

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says:

- normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1.

He thinks a minute and says:

- OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed.

She says:

- So be it!, and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

- Finish your lima beans or you're not getting any heroin for dessert!

- If you don't stop that this instant, I'll have Grandma perform another striptease for you.

- If this plexiglass wasn't between us, I'd wash your mouth out with soap, young man.

- Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!

- Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain't goin' to the prom with ya!

- Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won't love you anymore.

- Lyle, Erik -- either behave, or go to your suites!

- If you don't eat your peas, Chelsea, I'll make you stay at the Gingrich's house!

- Don't make me put you back in the womb!

- As long as you live under this roof, you're going to wear that dress, young man!

- You just wait til your father gets paroled!

- Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.

- Young lady, don't make me send you to the Citadel!

And the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families...

- All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!

Yo Momma's so old she got powderd milk in her boobs!

A man went to Africa to do some game hunting. While there, he hired a young native to accompany him as his guide. Soon, a large flock of birds flew overhead and the hunter took aim.

The guide grabbed his arm and said:

- Oh, no! These are foo birds and to shoot one means terrible things will happen to you!

The man figured that was only a superstion of the natives and shot one down.

Then the rest of the flock returned and pooped all over him. He hollared at the boy:

- I must have some water right away to wash this mess off.

The boy said:

- Oh no! To wash the crap of the foo bird off means sudden death immediately!

Again the hunter ignored his advice, found water and got cleaned off.

Sure enough he dropped dead then and there. The moral of this story is:

- If the foo shits, wear it.

What does Ford stand for?
→ Found On Rednecks Driveway!