Most viewed jokes

If it took six pigs two hours to eat the apples in the orchard, how many hours would it take three pigs?
→ None, because the six pigs have already eaten them all.

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.

What did 1 strawberry say to another?
→ If you weren't so fresh you wouldn't be in this jam!

Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
→ Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.

A Polish guy is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.

- Excuse me, but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want? - he says, taking the guy aside.

- Maybe I can help a leetle beet, - says the Frenchman. - What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way.

- Wow! Thanks! - says the Polish guy, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.

So he goes back to the Frenchman:

- I'm sorry to bother you again, - he says, - but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl.

- Okay, - says the Frenchman. - I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way.

- Thanks! - says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.

- Look, - he says, - I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?

- Well, - says the Frenchman, - maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?

21 TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM!

- EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

- SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

- CROSSEYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

- TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

- INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

- CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.

- WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

- FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.

- ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

- CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

- SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed.

- PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.

- DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

- TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.

- EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.

- FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.

- LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

- DRUNK: Holds right thumb in left hand, pisses in pants.

- DISGRUNTLED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

- CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.

- RADICAL: Ignores urinal. Pisses on wall.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.
11. When you ground them, they say, "Your UI could really use some work."
12. They say, "My dad can beat your dad at Quake."
13. Instead of laughing, they say, "LOL."
14. They insult kids by saying, "And you've got limited bandwidth!"
15. They change the answering machine message to "BRB, leave your URL, and we'll TTYL."
16. This is how they ask someone out on a date: "Umm, uh, well...see ya!"
17. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, "I'm roaming outside my service area!"
18. When you ask if they've finished their book report, they say, "It's in beta, but it'll ship in time."
19. You're telling them something they don't want to hear. They're saying, "NAK, NAK, NAK" the whole time.

Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.

The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before.

- Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered.

Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out:

- Mother! Mother! I still can't see!

- I know, dear - said his mother.

- April Fool!

An attractive woman entered a pet shop. When the clerk offered assistance, she explained that she was recently divorced, and was looking for a small-ish dog for company.

The clerk explained that the name of the store was 'Exotic Pets' and that, unfortunately, they did not stock cats, dogs, fish or any commonplace pets.

He did say, however, that he had something which might be ideal. He took the woman into a back room. He walked over to a terrarium, and pointed proudly to a large bullfrog which sat inside it.

- Would that suit your needs? - he asked.

The woman answered, scornfully, that she hardly thought an amphibian would be a suitable companion.

"Ah," replied the salesman, leering, "but this 'amphibian' has been carefully trained ... to perform oral sex upon women."

At this the woman's eyes lit up.

She eagerly negotiated a price of $500 for the frog, and left with it in her expectant possession. Arriving home, she drew a bubble bath, poured a glass of champagne and relaxed in anticipation. When she was thoroughly mellow, she dried herself, and arranged herself, nude, upon her bed. Parting her thighs, she placed the frog between them, closed her eyes, and waited.

Nothing happened. She prodded the frog. Still nothing. She moved it Up further toward her body. Nothing. She ordered it to perform. No response.

After an hour of this frustration, she lifted the phone, and called the pet shop. When the clerk answered, she complained loudly that she had been cheated. The clerk apologized profusely, wrote down her address, and said he'd be right over.

Ten minutes later, he knocked on the door, and the woman answered, wearing a nightgown. He asked her to demonstrate the problem. She obliged, by disrobing and assuming her former position, with the frog in place. The frog made no movement.

- You see? - she asked, petulantly.

- Yes, I do - said the man.

Then, addressing the frog as he removed his necktie and shirt, he said:

- Now, I'm only going to show you this one more time...

IN PRISON...
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...
You get three meals a day.

AT WORK.....
You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...
You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK.....
You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...
A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK.....
You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...
You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.....
You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...
You get your own toilet.

AT WORK.....
You have to share.

IN PRISON...
They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK.....
You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK.....
You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...
You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...
There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.....
They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON...
You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK.....
You get fired if you get caught.