Most viewed jokes

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?
→ A coffin break.

A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked:

- Say Father, what causes arthritis?

The priest replies:

- My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man.

- Well I'll be darned - the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper.

The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised:

- I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Brighton

- Brighton who?

- Brighton-der the light of the moon!

Did you hear about the nurse who died and went straight to hell?
→ It took her two weeks to realize that she wasn't at work anymore!

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

- I went on a long bicycle ride yesterday.

- Farcical?

A neighbour bumped into Jenny playing outside her house after dark.

- Hello, Jenny, - said the neighbour.

- Isn't it time for little girls to be in bed?

- How would I know? - asked Jenny.

- I haven't got any little girls.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Mutant Barbie ...

Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume

Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can't move.

A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot:

- Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!

The co-pilot looked out the windshield.

- Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?

- Well we better, we're almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing.
Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.

They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

- HEW! That was CLOSE! That runway was SHORT! - yelled the captain.

- Yeah! and WIDE too! - said the co-pilot.