Most viewed jokes

A guy goes to his local church during the week to see the priest and confess his sins. He goes into the confessional box and says:

- Father during the week I said the F-word.

The priest says:

- Well my son, say 3 Hail Mary's and your sins will be forgiven.

The guy however was quite eager to explain to the priest why he had used the F-word and grudgingly the priest agreed to listen to his explanation.

- Well I was playing golf last Sunday instead of coming to church, - said the guy.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - I was on the first tee and I duck hooked my drive into this terrible rough.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied getting quite annoyed with the constant interruptions to his story. - My ball took a lucky kick out of the rough and I was left with a perfect shot to the green.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy said. - As I went to play my ball a squirrel grabbed it and took off with it.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - As the squirrel was running away with my ball an eagle swooped down on it and took off with the squirrel and my ball.

- Is that why you said the F-word? - the priest asked.

- No, - the guy replied. - The eagle dropped the squirrel over the green and the ball rolled out of its mouth and finished 5 inches from the hole.

The priest said:

- Don't tell - me you missed the fucking putt!

Hercules, Snow White and Quasemoto were sitting at a table talking. Hercules says:

- I think I'm the strongest man in the world but it hasn't been proven yet.

Snow White says:

- I think I'm the fairest lady in the land but it hasn't been proven yet.

Quasie says:

- I think I'm the ugliest, meanest son of a gun in the world but it hasn't been proven yet.

The next day Hercules and Snow White are sitting at the table and Hercules says:

- It's true I'm the strongest man in the world for God told me so.

Snow White says:

- It's true I'm the fairest lady in the land for God told me so.

Just then, Quasie started walking up the road really steamed and says:

- Guys can you do me a favor? Tell me who the heck is Janet Reno?

Several years ago, after having Japanese executives from the automotive industry tour a Ford Plant, they held a press conference in which one of the Japanese execs claimed that the American workers were slow and lazy.

Not long after, a friend sent me a picture of a bumper sticker on a truck at the Ford plant.

It read:

- We may be slow and lazy, but we build a damn good bomb!

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

- Isn't it rather complicated for a small boy? - she asked the salesclerk.

- It's designed to adjust the tot to live in today's world, madam - the shop assistant replied....

- Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says:

- What's in the bags?

- Sand - answered Juan.

The guard says:

- We'll just see about that - get off the bike!

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks:

- What have you got?

- Sand - says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.

He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

- Hey, Buddy - says the guard.

- I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about.....

- I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?

Juan sips his beer and says:

- Bicycles.

What did the whale say to the dolphin when he pushed him???
→ I didn't do it on porpoise!!!

1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest he is too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
16. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
17. Definition of a man with manners - he gets out of the bath to pee.
18. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
19. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men - a woman.
20. Husbands are like children - they're fine if they're someone else's.

What flies around your light at night and can bite off your head?
→ A tiger moth!

Why do you forget a tooth, as soon as the dentist pulls it out?
→ Because it goes right out of your head.

How do you spell elephant?
→ E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t

- That's not how the dictionary spells it

- You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!