Religion — most commented jokes

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying ", House of Prostitution, 10 miles". Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles." Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit".

His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent. He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers:

- I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?

The nun answers "Yes", and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room. He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun. He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, "Thank you for you contributions, you have just been screwed by the .".

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:

- Say, Father, what causes arthritis?

- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.

- Wow - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.

- I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?

- I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

- AMEN The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.

- BULLETIN Your receipt for attending Mass.

- CHOIR A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.

- HYMN A song of praise usually sung in a key two octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

- RECESSIONAL HYMN The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

- INCENSE Holy Smoke!

- JUSTICE When kids have kids of their own.

- PEW A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.

- RECESSIONAL The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

- RELICS People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

- TEN COMMANDMENTS The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

- USHERS The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer:

- Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out.

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looked the young man in the eye and said:

- Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice:

- Yes - then leaned toward the pastor and hissed:

- I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put a $100 bill into the groom's hand and whispered:

- She made me a better offer.

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said:

- It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth so I want you to kiss her.

Adam answered:

- Yes Lord, but what is a 'kiss?'

So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said:

- Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied:

- Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that and now I'd like you to caress Eve.

And Adam said:

- What is a 'caress?'

So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said:

- Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said:

- You've done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.

And Adam asked:

- What is 'make love' Lord?

So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.

And Adam said:

- Lord, what is a 'headache?'

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said:

- Is that Jesus down there?

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered:

- Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said:

- For your kindness, you are healed!

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said:

- For your kindness, you are healed!

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed:

- Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other:

- Am I black with white stripes or white with black stripes?

The other replies:

- Well I don't know. You should pray to God about that and ask him.

So that night he did and God replied:

- You are what you are.

The next day he said to the other zebra:

- I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are what you are.

The second zebra responds:

- You must be white with black stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is.

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says:

- You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked 'em, I've roasted 'em, I've stewed 'em, I've barbequed 'em, I've even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks:

- What kind of missionary do you use?

The other replied:

- You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

- Ah ha! - he replies.

- No wonder.. those are friars!

Excerpts from Readers's Digest.

My 4 year old son came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile:

- We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read:

- The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked:

- What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?

A little girl had just finished her first week of school.

- I'm just wasting my time - she said to her mother.

- I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was physically impossible. The little girl said:

- When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah

- What if Jonah went to hell? - the teacher asked.

- Then you ask him - the little girl replied.

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture:

- Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'that's Michael. He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out:

- And there's the teacher. She's dead.

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said:

- Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.

- Yes - the class said.

- Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary positions the blood doesn't run into my feet?

A little fellow shouted:

- Because your feet aren't empty.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

- Take only ONE. God is watching.

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note:

- Take all You want. God is watching the apples!

A kindergarden teacher at age 30 was talking to the children seated on the floor around her, absentmindedly she removed her glasses to clean them.

- Wow, Miss Collins! - one child exclaimed.

- You look really different without your glasses on!

Another child piped up:

- I bet she looks different when she takes her teeth out, too!