Religion — most commented jokes

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

- Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a religious woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year:

- Go to your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday.

Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter #1:

- Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy

Leroy knew that wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter #2:

- Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Leroy

Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. So he wrote a third letter.

Letter #3:

- God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thank you, Leroy

Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner", Leroy's mother told him.

Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Leroy went into the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Leroy began to write yet another letter to God.

Letter #4:

- God, I've got your mama. If you want to see her again, send the bike! Signed, YOU KNOW WHO

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional and positive and of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the town square. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jew who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She goes to the Wailing Wall and there he is! She watches him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turns to leave, she approaches him for an interview.

- Rebecca Smith, CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?

- For about 50 years.

- What do you pray for?

- For peace between the Jews and the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For all of our children to grow up in safety and friendship.

- How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?

- Like I'm talking to a fucking wall.

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying:

- God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again:

- God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack. Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray:

- God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said:

- Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found the milkman dead on our porch this morning!

A doctor, a nurse, and the top executive of an HMO have all died and are in line together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter speaks with them and asks what good each has done in their life.

- Doctor: I have devoted my life to the sick and needy and have had a part in caring for, and healing thousands of poor people.

- St. Peter: That's great. Go ahead in to heaven. And what about you, dear?

- Nurse: I've supported the good doctor and his patients my entire life as an adult.

- St. Peter: Wonderful. Please proceed in with the doctor. And what about you?

- Health Maintenance Organizaton Director: I was the president of a very large HMO and was responsible for the healthcare of millions of people all over the country.

- St. Peter: Oh, I see. Please go in.. but you can only stay two nights!

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

- What a ripoff - the man muttered.

- I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled:

- Who are you to question that woman's punishment?

A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands.

- You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you - the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor.

- I don't like that - said the man.

- Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor.

- Well, that's better than brick - the man said.

- but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

- I'll choose this room - he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him. Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out:

- OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him.

He called for the three men he trusted most his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them:

- I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said:

- I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.

The physician then said:

- Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.

The lawyer then said:

- I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer:

- I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners.

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked:

- So, what's the catch?

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked:

- What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.

The teacher answered quickly:

- That would be the Titanic.

St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder:

- How many people died on the ship?

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered:

- 1,228.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes.

Then, they get to see where they're going to live. The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner, and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge:

- Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?

The angel replied:

- No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had.