Religion — most commented jokes

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer:

- Lead us not into temptation - she prayed

- but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.

And one particular four-year old prayed:

- And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.

A little boy was overheard praying:

- Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service:

- And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?

One bright little girl replied:

- Because people are sleeping.

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered:

- If he gets loose, will he hurt us?

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough:

- You're not supposed to talk out loud in church.

- Why? Who's going to stop me? - Joel asked.

Angie pointed to the back of the church & said:

- See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson:

- If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'.

Kevin turned to his younger brother & said:

- Ryan, you be Jesus!

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

- Daddy, what happened to him? - the son asked.

- He died & went to Heaven - the dad replied.

The boy thought a moment & then said:

- Did God throw him back down?

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted:

- Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife.

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked:

- Johnny what is the matter?

Little Johnny responded:

- I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife!

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese:

- Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name....

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep. One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!! and goes back to sleep. The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU POKE THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!

Can u believe what people do in the church these days? I was in the church listening to the priest's sermon when i saw a guy smoking cigarettes inside the church. I was so amazed that i didn't know when the bottle of beer i was holding fell on the floor.

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared.

- Climb in! - shouted a man in the boat.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

- No - replied the man on the roof.

- I have faith in the Lord the Lord will save me.

So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God.

- Heavenly Father - he said.

- I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied:

- I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say:

- Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl, and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed:

- Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?

- Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!

You know you are in a Texas church when:

- People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

- The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

- The restrooms are outside.

- Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

- A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

- When it rains, everyone is smiling.

- Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

- The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

- The pastor wears boots.

- Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

- There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

- Baptism is referred to as "branding".

- There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

- Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

- High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

- People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

- People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

- The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on seeing the Pope. There he stood, in a big long line with a rather expensive suit on, hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and perhaps talk a few words with him. As the Pope made his way slowly down the line, he walked right past the American, hardly even noticing him. The Pope then stopped next to a low-life sot, leaned over and whispered something in the sot's ear, and made his way on again. This really angered the American.

After speaking with the drunkard, the American agreed to pay $1000 dollars to exchange clothing, in the hope that the Pope would speak to him the next day.

The next morning the American stood in the line, waiting to see the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words. The Pope was making his way slowly up to the American. When he finally reached him, he leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his ear..

- I thought I told you yesterday to get the f**k out of here.

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

- Next Sunday - she said - we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the of Mark.

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said:

- Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the of Mark, please step to the front of the room.

About half the class rose and came forward.

- The rest of you may leave - said the teacher.

- these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no in the Book of Mark.

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy:

- You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in.

The guy thinks for a moment and says:

- Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 50 of 'em torturing this chick. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'

St. Peter, extremely impressed, says:

- Really? Wow, when did all this happen?

- Er.. about two minutes ago.

When I was young I used to pray for a bicycle. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and prayed for forgiveness.