Ouch — most commented jokes

How do you get Visual Aids?
→ From a nasty poke in the eye.

How do you re-sleeve a prostitute?
→ Put a leg of ham up her snatch and pull the bone out.

Just after Lorenna Bobbitt brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. Meanwhile two potheads who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. About three miles down the road one pothead turned to the other and said, "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on the Mosquito?"

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."

She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"

Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong? What's the emergency?"

- Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured.

- Well, how bad is it? Can I see?

- Follow me, sir.

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"

The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please."

They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.

Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"

- No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me.

Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.

- Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?

- Not your child, sir. Follow me.

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.

- This is your child, Mister Smith.

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse than this!? But... It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."

- Sir, it's deaf.

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's house apart!"

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.

He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"