Ouch — most commented jokes

A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels. The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man's member and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go.

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper covering his genitals.

The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

"Where the hell am I?"

A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency help, so we rushed you right over."

"Well, what the hell happened to me?"

"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening to you today?"

The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just before I fell asleep."

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little bird that he had and the damn thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck, broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

Two men and a woman were the sole survivors of a pleasure cruise ship that sank in the Bermuda Triangle. They made it to an uninhabited island.

Two weeks later the woman jumped off a cliff because she was so ashamed of what she was doing.

Two weeks after that the two men buried her because they were so ashamed of what they were doing.

Two more weeks passed by and the men dug her up again--being so ashamed of what they were doing.

Whats the difference between a bunch of lawyers in a porche and a porcupine?
→ A porcupine has pricks on the outside!

What's the difference between John Denver and Michael Kennedy?
→ John Denver made it alive out of Aspen.

Has Elton John re-written any of his songs for Michael Kennedy?
→ Not yet, but he's done one about the tree: "I'm Still Standing"

How can you be sure that Michael was really a Kennedy?
→ Check the family tree.

A simple accident? Some witnesses insist there was a second tree at the snow-covered knoll...

What do Michael and JFK Jr's magazine "George" have in common?
→ Wood pulp.

New bumper sticker....
"Plant A Tree....
Kill A Kennedy...."

What will it take to reunite the four Kennedy brothers?
→ One more bullet.
→ A season lift pass.

What's the worst thing about having to kiss Grandma?
→ When the damn coffin lid falls and hits you in the head.

What did the man say when he walked into a bar?
→ OUCH!

This blind guy was walking pass the fish market and he said "Good morning ladies.."

What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?
→ Straight through the rib cage.

3 pregnant women were waiting in the doctor's waiting room for an antenatal check-up and were all knitting garments for there respective babies.

Suddnely the first expectant mother stops knitting, checks her watch, pulls a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one...

"What was that?", the other two ask, curiously.

"Calcium tablet. Good for mommy, good for little baby", she replies, patting her stomach affectionately.

Satisfied, all 3 continue with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the second one stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?", the other two enquire.

"Vitamin tablet", she replies, "Good for mommy, good for little baby" and she pats her stomach affectionately.

All 3 smile and continue busily with their knitting...

5 minutes later, the last woman stops knitting, checks her watch, takes a bottle of pills from her handbag and takes one..

"What was that?" ask the other two..

"Thalidomide. I can't knit sleeves..."