Random joke from this category
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear," replied the mother. "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
- My name is Billy. What's yours?
- Tommy.
- My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?
- My Daddy's a lawyer.
- Honest?
- No, just the regular kind.
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- George Washington!
- George Washington who?
- George Washington who? Didn't you learn anything in history class?
A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!" The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister" says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by its testicles. "Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster." The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"
This little boy was at school one day and had to use the bathroom really bad. So he raised his hand and told the teacher he had to use the bathroom really bad. She said ok well let me hear your ABC'S first so he started saying them: "A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O,,Q,R,S,T,U,V,W,X,Y and Z" and the teacher said that's great but where's the P at he said it's running down my leg!
One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, "Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down."
So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, "Woo mama! What are those?"
She says, "Those are my headlights." The kid says "Ahh."
Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, "Woo mama! What is that?" and she replies back with, "That is my garage." The kid says "Ahh."
The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap, he drops it. When he picks it up he says, "Woo daddy! What is that?" The father replies back, "That's my limousine."
That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, "Sure, just don't look under the covers."
Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says "Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!"
Grampa and Billy were working out in the garden. Grampa spies Billy trying to put a worm back into the ground. "You'll never get that worm back in his hole," said the old man. Suddenly, Billy had an idea. He ran into the laundry room and came back with a can of spray starch.
After a few sprays, the worm was as stiff as a board and Billy was able to slide him back into the earth.
"Billy! You're a genius," exclaimed grampa. He hugged Billy, gave him a dollar out of his pocket, grabbed the starch, and ran inside.
Thirty minutes later, grampa comes back out smiling. He gives Billy another dollar. "Grampa," said the boy, "You already gave me a dollar."
"No," replied grampa, "That dollar's from grandma!"
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?" When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "God Almighty !" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.
A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary. The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!" The Teacher fainted.
Theres an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl was pasing buy she stops and stairs at the man and asked mister what is that. the man says what the little girl says that between your legs the man says oh that well the thing that is standing is the bird the two things on the side are the eggs and the thing around it is the nest ok the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun he falls asleep when he wakes up there are peramedics around him he asked what happen the peramedic said ask the little girl the old man calls her over what happen the little girl said when you went to sleep I tryed to make the bird fly I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird smashed the eggs and burnd the nest.
When i was a kid i used to pray for a new bike. But then I realised that the lord doesn't work that way, so i stole one and asked him to forgive me!
