Gender Jokes — most commented jokes

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
→ We don't know - it's never happened.

Why don't men eat more M & M's?
→ They are too hard to peel!

What is the thinnest book in the world?
→ What men know about women!

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
3. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
4. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.
5. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
6. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
7. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

The story of someone getting a haircut.

Women's version:

- Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

- Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

- Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

- Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

- Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

- Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

Men's version:

- Man 2: Haircut?

- Man 1: Yeah.

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman

• A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.
• A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.
• When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.
• A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.
• A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.
• A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck.

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
→ I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
→ I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
→ I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
→ Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
→ What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
→ For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
→ I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
→ I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

A MAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A WOMAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.....
→ without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
→ We haven't had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA'S FINE.....
→ you cheap slob!

I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
→ I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
→ I can't believe you have nothing planned.

COME HERE.
→ My puppy does this, too.

I LIKE YOU, BUT...
→ I don't like you.

YOU NEVER LISTEN.
→ You never listen.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
→ I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
→ I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.

OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!!
→ Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.

I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS.
→ We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
→ Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the sink

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't...there's a clock on the oven!

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name..."

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
→ The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!

One golfer tells another:

- Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!

- GREAT trade!

What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
→ 1) No mind. 2) No business.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"

Advice From Men To Women...

• Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'...
• If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it....
• Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one....
• Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials....
• Please don't drive when you're not driving....
• Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline....
• The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!...
• When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.